May 2024

31st

The thing is with this anxiety is that there is no relief, even though I know this fear is unsubstantiated, the anxieties play on as if nothing else mattered but fear. It isn't that I fear, Charlie says I don't fear, but when I believe I am anxious, I dissociate from the fear.

Leonie wearing a beige knit hat and sunglasses, standing in front of a wooden carving of a bird, possibly a heron or crane. Leonie is wearing a black cardigan and a necklace with a circular pendant. The background is a grassy area with some trees.

The weather was mild, I enjoyed walking though Hawick high street, near Common Haugh entered a local butchers and purchased a steak pie, shopping locally, when possible is a necessity for me, I like to see who is making and supplying my food.

Song Thrush ( Turdus philomelos) standing in a patch of short, bright-green grass. The bird is facing to the right of the frame and appears to have just caught a small worm or insect, which is visible in its beak. A small white daisy is visible near the bird's tail. The overall impression is one of a naturalistic scene depicting the bird in its natural habitat foraging for food.
Black starling bird partially concealed within tall green grass. The bird is facing to the left of the frame, its yellow beak visible. The focus is primarily on the bird, with the grass providing a natural, slightly blurred background.
Juvenile female blackbird standing in short grass. Its plumage is predominantly brown, lacking the black and yellow markings of an adult. The bird appears to be in a natural, outdoor setting.
Picturesque landscape featuring a field brimming with yellow wildflowers under a partly cloudy blue sky. Several mature deciduous trees stand prominently in the field, with one leaning noticeably to the right.
Close-up of a small, white butterfly with dark grey markings at the tips of its wings. The butterfly is perched on a green leaf, which is attached to a slender green stem. The background is blurred but shows more green vegetation.

I enjoyed the walk along this nature trail, commencing by a bend in the river at the beginning of Wilton Lodge Park. The footpath inclines and shadowed by trees invoking thoughtful solitude and cooling calmness.

Panoramic view of a tranquil woodland scene. Two paths diverge at a small stream or creek, which flows over rocks. Lush green vegetation, including trees and undergrowth, surrounds this idyllic setting. The paths appear to be well-trodden and lead to different directions among the woods. A section of grassy field is visible beyond a fence in the background.

The trail cleared and conjoined onto a quiet countryside lane at Wilton Dean village. I walked down into Hawick as I needed some ingredients to compliment the steak pie I'd purchased from the butchers; looking forward to cooking this for Charlie tonight.

Charlie standing by a wooden gate in a grassy field. In the background, a gentle slope rises to a row of houses. A single dog is visible in the distance on the slope.

Charlie enjoyed his cooked meal, I nagged him off the couch so we could walk off the calories. I've lived on this estate a year and a half, I am happily leaving in three days; I've made no meaningful friendships, despite attempts to befriend cold shouldered neighbours.

28th

Busy day, been weeding our kitchen garden, we have so many vegetables to plant this year at Woodburn Farmhouse.

Weathered, wooden livestock trailer, its ramp lowered, resting in a farmyard. The trailer is situated within a rustic, aged wooden enclosure or pen. Green grass and a muddy ground surround the scene. The overall impression is one of rural life and agricultural work. The overcast sky suggests a somewhat dreary day.

We baited the flock with ewe pellets, from the paddock onto the farm drive way. Charlie trimmed the hoofs of two ewes; a sick cade lamb (yesterday, too week to stand up) was dagged and has now returned to drinking bottled milk; which appears to be working.

Two dark-brown sheep with white markings on their faces. One sheep is standing on a wooden ramp leading up to what appears to be an old, rustic livestock trailer. The other sheep is standing on the ground next to the ramp, looking directly at the camera. The background includes a whitewashed building with a window, and some overgrown vegetation.

Zwartble mother ewe is almost ready to go, just her lamb that requires ear identification tags before boarding, to go through livestock passport control.

The law of the land states that all livestock are required to have numbers, and to transport them, a livestock movement book is required.

View from inside a car driving down a country road during a heavy rainstorm. Rain droplets cover the windshield, blurring the view somewhat. The road is wet and dark, bordered by lush green fields and trees. The overall atmosphere is moody and somewhat melancholic.

Our friend could not find the padlock key to the field so we lifted the sheep over the gate one by one. The Zwartble mother ewe waited as we unloaded her lamb.

Gravel path on a farm, bordered by lush green grass. Two sheep are walking towards the viewer on the path; one is light-coloured and the other is dark brown. In the background are farm buildings, a dark-colored vehicle, and rolling hills under a cloudy sky. The overall atmosphere is one of a rainy or overcast day in a rural setting.

Early evening the rain ceased, so I strimmed the remaining dock leaves from the paddock, bringing the job earlier than tomorrows planned date. I was so tired when I came down from the hill, Charlie helped me drop the strimmer, kindly brushed down my clothes before I changed to rid myself of the grass pollen that was making me sneeze. I'd been using the strimmer for over two hours, my body would not shaking. I covered myself up on this occasion as I am allergic to the grass pollen; with the effect of making my skin swell to the appearance of Cellulitis.

Leonie's calf muscle with numerous thin, light brown blotches arranged in a pattern. The blotches appear to be linear and somewhat parallel to each other. There is also a small, dark spot visible on the upper part of the calf. The skin surrounding the blothes appears slightly reddened. The overall impression is of a medical condition or the result of an allergic reaction.

The doctor at A&E thought I suffered this but tests returned a negative result; however anti-histamines (piriteze) took the swelling down.

Close-up of a Leonie's face and upper body, heavily covered in grass clippings. Leonie is wearing a beige knit hat, safety glasses, and a dark grey neck gaiter, all liberally dusted with the green debris. The background is a verdant hillside, suggesting Leonie has been involved in landscaping or gardening activities. The overall impression is one of industrious work and a lighthearted acceptance of the messy realities of the job.
Leonie covered head to toe in what appears to be freshly cut grass, standing in a muddy farmyard. She is wearing protective gear including a face covering, safety glasses, gloves, and tall boots. The background features a lush green hillside and some farm structures. The overall impression is one of a hardworking individual, possibly after completing a task involving lawn care or similar outdoor work. The image has a slightly humorous quality due to Leonie's complete coverage in grass clippings.

We purchased a petrol strimmer as the dock leaf infestation on the paddock is bewildering, the lambs have not faired well grazing; feels as though the farmhouse paddock has been cursed; as the lambs at our other two grass keeps are in good condition.

23rd

My emergency accomodation located in the Silverbutthall area of Hawick; kindly provided by Scottish Borders council.

Cosy living room corner. A black leather armchair sits next to a floor lamp with a vintage-style shade. There's a banjo leaning against a potted plant, adding a musical element. The room has long, light-colored curtains framing windows that show a view of trees, and features dark wood furniture and wallpaper with a floral pattern. The overall mood is calm and slightly rustic, suggestive of a quiet, possibly musical space.

Although the neighbours were ignorant and unfriendly, this was a warm and safe haven from the harsh reality of homelessness.

17th

Today we awoken inside a hotel in Leicester from visiting Charles parents and sibling brother near Coventry. We travelled travelled to M1 via Loughborough, taking pictures along the way. We departed from a delicious breakfast at Leicester University's College Court hotel driving toward Loughborough along the A6; briefly stopping in Highfield's to capture a picture of a ex-children's home building that I'd been a resident around thirty six years ago.

Leonie and Charlie seated at a dark brown table, possibly in a pub or restaurant setting. Leonie in the foreground is wearing a beige knit beanie, a navy blue polka-dot dress, and a black cardigan. She is wearing a silver necklace with a circular pendant and is looking directly at the camera with a slight smirk. Charie in the background is seated slightly behind and to the right, he's wearing a blue and white plaid shirt. Charlie is preoccupied, looking down at a mobile phone he's holding in his hands. He appears thoughtful or perhaps slightly distracted. A leather bag sits on the table between them. The background features a brick fireplace and wooden panelling, suggesting a rustic or traditional interior. The overall atmosphere is casual and somewhat intimate.

The experience was spooky, as memories surfaced as an ongoing apparitions; of disturbed children who lived there with my disturbances. I was resettled here from the Holt and The experience was spooky, as memories surfaced as an ongoing apparitions; of disturbed children who lived there with my disturbances wrought from surviving a single parent, paranoid schizophrenic mother from four to eleven years old. Tried to kill a canvassing MP.

Three-story brick building on a quiet street under a partly cloudy sky. The building is red brick with white-framed windows and appears to be residential, possibly converted from a larger structure. It has a slightly aged, historical look. The street is paved, and a small section of a neighboring building is visible. The overall scene is peaceful and somewhat quaint.
Back of a row of brick buildings. A black metal gate blocks access to a private car park, designated for employees only. The brickwork shows some age and wear, with graffiti visible on one wall. The overall impression is of a somewhat secluded, utilitarian space behind larger buildings.

was resettled here from the Holt and Dumblane Avenue children's homes before being moved into "leaving care" hostel accommodation down Highfields Street, into a poky room inside a terrace house located along Gopsal Street. Half an hour later in Rusheymead I was surprised to find Dumblane Avenue still functioning as a children's home after talking to a residential social worker during his cigarette break at the homes gate. Talking to him felt strange, for a moment we thought we recognised each other, his staunch demeanour was that of a handler; which, on gaining retrospective, his presence made me feel uneasy.

Exterior of a pub called Royal Beicasters. The building is predominantly white with black accents. There's a small patio area with tables and chairs enclosed by a low white wall and a black fence. The sky is partly sunny with large, puffy clouds. The overall feel is daytime, and the scene appears to be in a somewhat residential area.

Between the age of 11 and 15 I had fifty-two moves whilst placed into "in care" of social services, from then on I became a new age traveller. I did not attempt to look at the Holt two miles away in Birstall, probably because I was abused there. Ten miles drive away, we arrived in Loughborough our next stop, the Great Central Railway museum station. Other than being born in this town and living in the area Thorpe Arce for the first four years of my life, I lived at a foster home, a hostel in Shelthorpe and two B&Bs along the A6. We found the Great Central Railway to be closed, returning I requested if I could take a picture of the wooden booking office, a museum curator then kindly granted me and Charlie access.

Railway station scene. A green park bench sits in the foreground, planted with colourful flowers. Behind it is a railway station sign proclaiming LOUGHBOROUGH. In the background, a portion of a vintage, yellow and brown passenger railway car, named LUCY-ANN, is visible. The overall setting suggests a charming and possibly historic railway station.
Vintage British Railways train, the Patricia-Eileen, partially parked at Platform 2 of a train station. The train is maroon and cream, with visible windows showing interior details. The train is positioned on an outdoor platform under a partially visible, traditional train station canopy. A prominent sign on the platform warns of cables and hoses, indicating ongoing maintenance or preparations. The sky is partly cloudy. The overall impression is one of nostalgic charm and possibly a heritage railway line.
Railway scene on a partly cloudy day. In the foreground is a large, cylindrical water tower with a metal ladder attached, standing on a grey platform next to railway tracks. Beyond the water tower, a line of passenger carriages are visible, parked at a station with a small building and some greenery.
Vintage train station platform. A railway carriage is partially visible in the background. In the foreground, a red luggage trolley is laden with burlap sacks, and nearby, a collection of vintage suitcases sits on a smaller, similar trolley. A green bench is visible along the brick station building, which features vintage travel posters. The overall scene evokes a nostalgic atmosphere, possibly suggesting a film set or historical reenactment.
Green luggage trolley, labelled Loughborough (Central), carrying several dark green metal trunks. The trolley is parked outside a brick building with a green door and window. A small metal bucket sits next to the trolley. A Beware sign is visible on the building.
Two vintage red fire buckets hanging on a red wooden board affixed to a brick wall. The buckets are identical, marked with BR(E) FIRE in black lettering. They have black metal handles and appear to be relatively old, showing some wear and potentially some paint chipping. The brickwork suggests an older building, possibly a railway station or similar historical structure given the BR(E) marking, which likely stands for British Railways (Eastern Region). The overall impression is one of historical preservation.
Panoramic view of a vintage train station platform. Two vintage passenger trains are parked on either side of the platform. Luggage is stacked on the platform, near a small, brick station building. The platform is covered by a glass roofed canopy. The overall scene evokes a nostalgic feeling of a bygone era of rail travel.
Panoramic view of a vintage train at a railway station platform. The train is maroon and cream, and appears to be well-maintained, possibly part of a heritage railway. The platform has a glass roofed canopy, and is made of stone paving. There are benches, some signage, and a small amount of maintenance equipment visible. A person can be seen in the distance near the end of the train. The overall impression is one of a preserved historical railway setting on a sunny day.
Vintage train station platform under a glass-roofed canopy. Two vintage railway carriages are parked on the platform. A small kiosk in the center displays advertisements for Colman's Mustard and W.H. Smith & Son, suggesting a period setting, possibly early to mid-20th century. Several A-frame advertising stands are also present. The scene is bathed in sunlight, casting shadows that accentuate the platform's architecture and the vintage aesthetic.
Wooden staircase inside a railway station. The staircase is enclosed by green-painted walls with large windows offering a view of the platform and railway tracks outside. The scene appears to be from a historic or heritage railway station, evidenced by the style of the architecture and the visible vintage train carriages. A poster advertising British Railways is visible on one of the walls.

Despite an abysmal childhood and ailing adult mental health I feel both a sense of pride and fascination at my birth towns history. The openness of the museum left me reversely tearful in contrast to my encounter with the residential social worker at Dumblane Ave. We found walking down the stairwell and onto the platform almost a step back in time. I was taken aback by our then rich ancestral history and how we'd expanded the rail network. Returning to the Kiosk on our way out I made a small donation, the curator then opened the museum for us, inside was displayed a wealth of history, and also an information film.

Interior of a railway museum. The walls are covered in various railway memorabilia, including old signs, maps, photographs, and other artifacts. There are display cases with additional items along the walls, and a person is visible in the middle of the room, seemingly observing the exhibits. The overall impression is one of a well-curated collection celebrating the history of a particular railway line or railway company.
Framed display showcasing four photographs of stained-glass windows. Each window features a coat of arms, and each photograph is labeled with a location: GCR, Barnsley, Leeds, and Sheffield. The display's title indicates that these windows were located in the British Railways Board Headquarters, formerly the Hotel Great Central. The image likely documents the historical significance of these windows and their connection to British railway history.

Leaving the museum, we had to notify the curator so that he could lock up the museum. I had a lot of problems when I lived at a ground floor flat in Freehold Street, a mere quarter of a mile from this museum; every Sunday a group of people would break bread outside my kitchen window. This flat, emergency shelter provided by the council was also broken into, and frequented regularly by intruders that stole nothing other than my locks of hair that I'd tied to a copper pipe in my airing cupboard. I have terrible memories of this town, that by birth should have been my home.

Bronze statue of a seated, robust figure holding a large, patterned stocking or sock. The statue is situated in a town square, with buildings and market stalls visible in the background. The base of the statue is decorated with etched designs depicting a landscape. The overall feel is one of public art in a bustling urban setting.

We had arrived in Loughborough on a Thursday, market day, consumers (including my mother) used to travel into the town from satellite villages to shop here. There is a statue called the Sock Man Statue that I in view of the disturbances I experienced in this town, nicked named INGSOC; the statue is told to represent the now defunct hosiery trade (work outsourced to Asia) my mother worked at Mansfield Hosieries, Charter house and Rob Roy. My flat on Freehold Street was situated a stone throw away from Taylors bell makers; They cast the great bell for Saint Paul's Cathedral, London.

Tall, slender brick tower standing in a park. The tower is capped with a green-roofed cupola. It has several small windows and appears to be a clock tower or bandstand-type structure. The base of the tower is light-coloured stone, and a low stone balustrade surrounds the immediate area. Green trees and a cloudy sky form the backdrop. People are visible in the distance within the park. The overall impression is one of a somewhat aged, yet stately structure in a peaceful setting.
Large, dark-grey metal structure, possibly a piece of industrial machinery or a sculptural artwork, that resembles an oversized bell or a hopper. It's weathered and shows signs of age and rust, with numerous small holes throughout its surface. The structure sits on a light grey concrete base in a park-like setting, with a brick building and some greenery visible in the background. Two people are seated behind the structure, partially obscured from view. The overall impression is one of industrial history presented within a peaceful, modern environment.
Charlie and Leonie sitting outdoors at a table. Charlie is wearing glasses and a jacket, and he's eating something. Leonie is wearing a knitted hat, sunglasses, and a mustard-coloured dress. They appear to be enjoying a casual meal together in a patio setting, partially enclosed by a metal fence. The background suggests a slightly urban or semi-rural outdoor space.

The original cast for this bell can be viewed from within Victoria Park. I took a picture of the Bastard gates as we drove passed Loughborough University; I had planned to visit Bradgate Park but began returning to the Scottish Borders after turning back at Oaks in Charnwood.

Stone archway, possibly the entrance to a park or institution. The archway features a coat of arms. Beyond the gates, there are buildings and a person walking. The overall style suggests a historical or traditional setting. Landscaping with flowers and plants is visible around the entrance. The sky is partly cloudy.

Bastard gates.

Traffic queue on a road, under a cloudy sky. In the foreground, there are several cars stopped or slowing down, with a burgundy Volvo in the centre. A field of white flowers runs along the side of the road. In the background, a large industrial or commercial building is visible beyond some trees. The overall scene suggests a moment captured during a typical day on a busy road, possibly near an industrial area.

Noticed they'd built the hated incinerator in the old tarmac quarry, because Shepshed's cursed destiny is to burn in rubbish. The journey north along the M1 motorway was congested, and Charlie raged at the fuel prices. We saved four pounds by travelling a mile to a petrol station from the A1 at Scotch corner A66.

15th

Today I met Charlie's parents.

Four people standing in a kitchen. Two older adults, a man and woman, are flanked by two younger adults, a man and woman. They are standing in a row, posing for a photograph. The background includes kitchen cabinets with various small animal figurines on top and a simple kitchen floor. The overall impression is one of a family portrait, possibly taken in a home setting. The picture feels candid yet posed, suggesting a moment of relaxed togetherness and perhaps a celebration or casual family gathering.

I also met his brother.