May 2023

18th

Early rise this morning, we spent three hours gardening. After ripping out several rows of stinging nettles I began to mow the front garden, tearing up masses of dock leaf plants to find a nest. I came within inches of a poor partridge sitting on her eggs. Charlie motioned to stop everything and pull back, lucky for us after five minutes the partridge had returned to incubate her nest.

The other thing we had planned was to weed the vegetable patch, to the rear of the farmhouse. Breaking the soil we noticed the presence of worms, this is a good sign, but also strange flies appeared, we had no idea what they were so left them be. I forked out large clumps of nettles whilst Charlie turned over the soil. We managed to plant one row of potatoes before retiring for a coffee. The poorly lamb, sick from eating too much wheat, was found dead this morning; made Charlie promise me he won't feed lambs wheat again.

16th

Risen at 6:30am to load and transport lambs and ewes to Longtown market. The A7 was empty between Hawick and Langholm, other than one speeding black mini car. We arrived early, I watched Charlie unload three ewes and lambs then show his transportation book.

Unloading sheep begins early but most turn up minutes before the end. Here an Armstrong transport lorry delivers a flock of sheep, home of the Armstrong clan is only a few miles up the road at wee Gilnockie tower.

They put sawdust on the floors of these gated pens, so the sheep don't slip.

Outside of the auction hall is painted in garish blue, inside was pictured last month.

Charlie claimed he wasn't emotional, but wanted to visit the sheep that he'd looked after, for almost three generations. Today we said goodbye to monster sheep but this is Ewes and Lambs day, nothing here, will be sold on for slaughter.

The women in the cafe were unsociable, second visits are always sour, and I tasted that in the breakfast they served us. Returning to the farmhouse Charlie stopped at Ewes water to use the public facilities whilst I had took a foot dip into a shallow length of river.

We were extremely low on petrol once returned to the farmhouse. As the sheep were fed and watered, we found a lamb alone, unsteady on her feet. Charlie asserted the lamb had eaten too much wheat, and was drunk, the diarrhoea from its stomach attempting to unblock an acuminated restriction. Charlie rang the market and found we had made for the sale of the sheep, the number given over the phone was what he had predicted.

After a stroll around Hawick high street, purchasing two dresses and a practice chanter, we returned to my flat. I cooked Charlie a favourite family casserole named Panackelty, with the exact same ingredients my mother used when I was hungry at the dinner table as a little child. My mother was 1 of 12 children; I have over thirty cousins around the North East of England although none of them talk or want to know me!

15th

Returned at midnight to my flat, disturbed to have been listening via CCTV to the disturbed dog barking for over ten minutes at the farmhouse. We have the building cover 360 degrees, with motion detection and A.I tracking survelience. Night vision can track movement in the woodland, five-hundred yards away, the camera also provides the farmhouse with a front garden / porch light. I am not so sure about patchy WIFI , if I would purchase again I'd have the cameras capable of being wired and networked through LAN . Another sunny morning, I had a peaceful nights sleep, Charlie slept well also but overslept and thus was late for work. He's a hard worker, his rough hands are full of calluses; he is a tired man, but by no means broken. I have two philosphy books waiting to be read on my table, they are Critque of Judgement and Critque of Pure Reason, both are written by Emmanuel Kant. I've also been learning the "tin whistle" I purchased in Berrick several weeks ago.

14th

Summer is here, the morning sunshine has a warm, vibrant presence. Today we continued to muck out the farmyard; with the help of a friend, she didn't enjoy the obnoxious smell of rotting silage mixed with sheep poo but made a second attempt at getting stuck into the smelly but necessary job, that Charlie, who did the entire job, alone last year states a marathon, not a sprint.

Deciding to go look for two missing lambs I walked up the lane, whilst Charlie navigated his ascent upwards through the paddock. I walked through a wooden gate, and across pasture to find two lambs cuddled up together.

We came across a yellow flower named Viola lutea subsp. calaminaria before walking into a mushroom circle.

Charlie paused for ages searching for two lost lambs, he has enabled these sheep to grow, taking care of them generation after generation.

At dusk we drove the car to the top of the glen, parked in a passing place, and enjoyed the sunset.

We cooked a Sunday roast dinner before returning our friend to her flat in Hawick, we watched, from the car, to see she arrived inside safely. Remained awake an hour inside my flat after Charlie retired to bed, focusing a last waking hour upon updating this blog.

13th

Charlie asked me where I would like to be , what I wanted to do during my birthday . I decided to visit a small length of coastline, of the Scottish Borders. Along the way we stopped via a small town named Duns, and enjoyed a sandwich and coffee, whilst sat outside a café, surrounded by a show of rally cars. After being overtaken by numerous speeding cars driving erratically, our first port of call, Eyemouth.

Charlie took his shoes and socks off, then complained about the coldness of the water. We walked across the shoreline to the harbour, whilst Charlie paused I took a chance to take his picture; he's usually OK if I photograph him from a distance.

We walked back to the car, via the harbour, stopping at an amusement arcade to play a shooting game. The attendant came to compliment what a good shot I was, awesome. We then decided to drive to a small fishing village of Saint Abbs.

Charlie required the use of a toilet, a side effect of his medication, so we drove down to Coldingham bay.

The demeaning emptiness of life has a strange, eery feel, as if perched upon the edge of oblivion. Reminded me of the film "Quiet Earth" centered on a character named Zac Hobson who awakens to find himself alone in the world. But Charlie, arousing me from procrastination, said the seaside was not a Scottish thing.

Coffee and cake at the beach cafe cost us thirteen pounds twenty pence. I enjoyed jam sponge, a dessert I had not tasted since school time, some thirty four years ago. We drove south, past Eyemouth and onto Burnmouth; the last Scottish Borders seaside town before England. Now, this place was extremelly quiet, but this isolated space was not stagnated.

What you see and don't see obscured behind angles and unfocused from elaborate detail, from a panaromic photograph.

Our journey back to Hawick, retracing our way involved passing through previous towns such as Duns, here I noticed a stone carving, involving the Red Hand scrolled with the word "Industy".

We entered Kelso in search of purchasing a cooked birthday meal, walking through the market square we found an eating establishment and ordered a plentiful plate of fish and chips. I recite memories of a friendly Kelso, yet still isolated despondent and enduring longevity of being unearthed alone.

We visited our friend, who gave me a birthday card, some cashmere gloves, and had also had cooked a huge birthday cake. After Charlie had a cat nap drove to Bonchester Bridge but the establishment there was crammed packed with travelling / camping bikers. We ended the evening in Denholm, played some pool and endured dismal pop music songs, videos played through a widescreen TV, remote control operated by the pub landlord.

I was with Charlie, and another friend later, happy that I was not alone on this birthday to reminisce of a lonely last year, at Dalry and Saltcoats. My birthday meal, a can of 50p lentil soup, and birthday cake, a crumbled blueberry muffin; I considered myself, then, lucky to be eating. However, two friends, hundreds of miles away bought me table drinks in a Wetherspoon pub, paid for remotely via using a mobile phone app. At the pub two lovers, dining, remarked on how lonely I appeared, with a buffet of alcoholic drinks spread before me.

12th

Messages in my mind once I returned to the farmhouse yesterday, through the evening, into the night, and again invading my mind this morning. These messages, always negetive, are environmentally triggered, but I can't fathom how this could be, there has never been any trauma at the farmhouse. Through this disturbance, Charlie woke me this morning, with a bottle of wine and a birthday card, that had been left on his doorstep by a friendly neighbour.

Deafened by the smoke alarms sounding this morning, lighting the farmhouse open fire. I used wax wood chip firelighters, then got over generous with night lights, setting ablaze a wooden board I was using to draw flames through the fuel and up into the chimney. Whoops! I threw the burning board to the side winds, from out of the upstairs, farmhouse side window. Later I visited the neighbour who left the card, he has a something he wishes to sell. We drove to Galashiels to pick up a replacement pair of reading glasses, so much happier not straining my eyes. We stopped to check our two grass keeps, at the first grass keep a sheep had be eaten, a man slowed in his car to inform us. He seemed bemused, the lamb had its face damages, we believe it could have been either a badger of a fox that killed it. The sheep at the second grass keep are almost recovered from Scold, good news as a lame flock is no good to us.

Voices are teering through my mind again, viral messages are making me feel sick. Me and Charlie talked about the farmhouse dog (sam) biting me and how I was reluctant to take him out for a walk now. I said "once bitten" and Charlie replied "twice shy"; I thought, this must be the old saying for Generalised Anxiety. So it's my birthday tomorrow, and we have plans, this will be the first birthday in five years I have not spent alone, tomorrow I'll be forty-nine years old.

10th

Forgot to dry out Charlie's jeans on the radiator, I have no trousers / jeans to give him, as I only wear dresses. After pausing for some deep thought, I pulled him out some pyjama bottoms, velvet black with gold stars; he wore them but clearly didn't want to be seen in them.

I have got five hours to catch up editing my blog today; there are a few pages left to upload before I tidy the remaining code. Once this is complete, I can focus on creating new content. Charlie purchased me some beautiful lilies yesterday, blooming this morning.

9th

Charlie moved our friend into her new flat this morning; it moves me to know we helped her with a difficult situation, that I figure is a detachment of alienation very similar (including symptoms of trauma inflictions that I endured from religious abuse) to what I had previously suffered and endured for years. Then tended to sheep in the afternoon. I am optimistic she'll not drift and substantiate connections here within the Scottish Borders. She left my flat exactly how she found it, other than the kitchen was cleaner!

We started the day picking up hurdles, sheers, clippers, wormer, anti-parasite pump and antibacterial aerosol spray at the farmhouse. The jeering sound of hungry ewes and lambs greeted us; notably a huge ewe named "monster sheep", because of her size.

It enamoured optimism to see the lambs using their creep, we errected this to make ensure they, from their mother ewes, got enough pellets to eat. I called two missing cade lambs for futher up the paddock, as usually they came running to me but as they grow older they are using sight more than sound.

The farmhouse is such a enamouring place to me, a richness of life, insisting productivity in subsantication of time. The loaded car was nearly completely full, leaving the rear window visible. The weather is warm today, the ground is becoming dusty.

Our plans today were to investigate and treat the scald on the lambs hooves, a common occurrence in early spring time. Arriving at a paddock, five lambs with their mother ewes were penned and checked. Only one lamb, with a temperature located around the hoof was treated with an injection of anti-biotic. Two of the worst lambs were jam jar dipped (we don't have a run at this location) with a mild solution of copper sulphate (bright blue in colour), all were sprayed with Cetrigen, this antibacterial spray dyed the hooves deep purple.

Most of the grass had been eaten on the paddock, so we moved them to an adjacent paddock, with a lovely burn flowing through the paddocks long, dark green grass, fresh salad to them. Charlie had to repair the perimeter fence with hurdles and twine, returning to the car I watched and film him walking over an old wooden foot bridge.

We stopped at of cooperative supermarket to get a light lunch, consisting of two cornish pastys, two bars of chocolate and a packet of jaffa cakes. How can you not like orange juice with breakfast, seems indecisive, a woman the other day told she wanted coffee, changed her mind to tea, then returned to coffee, how can ye be sure, an ole highland terrier inquired.

We travelled to the second grass keep, driving pass the first grass keep. All but one of the flock came to us, the remaining sheep was a lamb, struggling upon her legs. Charlie dismissed my assumption that this lamb would be easy to catch, and oh how he was right. We encircled and rounded up parts of the flock three times before she was caught, the poorly lamb went from hobbling to running as if she never had hobbled at all.

The Dorset ewe was very agile, her edginess and jolting from us made rounding up the other sheep that much harder. We are concerned at how wild she has become, considering she was very friendly and approachable before she moved to the grass keep. After we rounded her up, Charlie took the opportunity to trim her hoofs.

Charlie said there were two options, either we transport the mother ewe with her poorly lamb in the back of the car, returning them to the farmhouse paddock, or we return to the farmhouse paddock, pick up some lambs and then transport the ewe with her poorly lamb back to the farmhouse paddock with the trailer; I chose the second option.

In all we made another two trips back and forth to the farmhouse. We had planned to purchase some fast food but arrived too late. Returning to the flat I cooked us sausage and chips, ran Charlie a bath, washed his jeans before falling asleep on the couch; rousing my sleepy head and dragging my tired body to bed at 2am.

7th

Today the poorly lamb cannot stand up, nor can she swallow milk from the bottle. We've agreed to let nature take the lamb away, her last moments are being spent with her mother ewe. We tried everything to save this lamb, but she was on death's door when we rescued her, and already should have started on solid's.

Alot of our lambs are lame, we are presuming this to be scald which often appears in the season of early spring.

From visiting the two grass keeps (we were chased down by a Asian man in a blue car at the first grass keep) Charlie planned to take us to see the Eildon hills from Scots viewpoint; the view was much greener, emboldened by bright yellow gorse, since my previous visit here.

In the evening we returned to the farmhouse to find the poorly lamb laid in the same place, not moved for ten hours, but still breathing. Twenty minutes later, Charlie told us to stay indoors whilst he put the lamb out of her misery. The mother ewe had wandered up to the top of the paddock, was nowhere to be seen; however, two cade lambs were nearby. We returned to the flat, seated I served undercooked fried chicken and chips; a half-baked effort that left the kitchen surfaces a greasy mess. It was hard to get to sleep

5th

Happy birthday to my friend, she resettles in the Scottish Borders today from a disturbing time in Cornwall.

At the farm, the poorly lamb is declining enough for Charlie to say "don't be sad if the lamb dies today". The weather has been rough, walking across the paddock I found the lamb, not with the ewe, but shaking by the ring feeder. I fed the ewes and lambs, then with my friend cornered off the poorly wee lamb from the mother ewe. The poorly lamb although not suckling still has swallowing reflex. Only a small amount of milk is leaving the mouth, and there is an ever so slight improvement with bottle feeding. The lamb has a temperature and is in need of another anti-biotic shot, diarrhoea appears to have abated. I used the lamb to bait the mother ewe into walking into the warmth of the poly tunnel from the damp, chilling cold of the farmhouse paddock. Sam, Charlie's rescue sheepdog, made the job twice as hard and so had to be retired into his kennel. I plan on feeding the wee lamb again at lunchtime, she finished just over half a bottle this morning; she needs two bottles a day, yesterday she drank just over one bottle, so I am aiming for one and a half / two bottles by the evening. I am deliberating on introducing the poorly lamb (when temperature as abated) to the cade lamb gang. The agenda is in hope that the wee lamb will watch and mimic the behaviour of the other cade lambs and begin to eat lamb pellets, but Charlie believes the wee lamb won't eat because it will miss her mother ewe. If we can incite hunger and then get the wee lamb to eat pellets, we've stopped the lamb from starving herself to death. The mother ewe is protective over the lamb, her teats are clean, she has milk, we're a bit amiss at how her two lambs gave up eating. My friend is aware of the same synchronicities I am aware of, and has similar trauma inflictions unto her mental health. She states that she was followed and targeted whilst she lived in Cornwall. In the afternoon I taught her how to bottle-feed the poorly lamb, she managed to feed the lamb half a bottle; If I can get Charlie to feed the lamb another half bottle tonight, then today's target will be reached.

Charlie returned, but our friend bottle fed the poorly lamb, a whole bottle, so the lamb drank two bottles today. Flies around the straw bedding have increased eightfold, Charlie took the tractor and tipped a load onto the paddock; we have to wait for dry ground to do this as a sliding tractor can be really dangerous. We separated the poorly lamb from her mother ewe and placed her with two cade lambs. The two cade lambs are unhappy at been penned from the openness of the paddock, but are essential in that they are needed to lure the poorly lamb into eatting pellets, once we baited her hunger enough with the bottled milk. Early evening we returned to my flat and readied to go out to celebrate our friends birthday. We visited the Exchange in Hawick first and recieved a warm welcome, after a pint we moved to the stag pub, I wished we hadn't. Me and Charlie left our two friends outside Coopers bar, returned to the flat and fell asleep. The day had been long, worrying for the lamb but not stressful; our friend recieved the keys for her flat today, what a birthday for her.

4th

Charlie gave me a lift to Galashiels to get my reading glasses fixed. I dropped them in a field whilst lambing, they were found scratched up, and as I found out today, beyond repair. To get replacement lenses and additional anti-glare coating cost ten pounds less than ordering a new pair of replacement glasses, so I have new pair of reading glasses to pick up in a few days time. Relieved I am not going to be moving to Galashiels, the town makes me unwell when I visit. Have received news that my friend is to be rehoused within the Scottish Borders; it's awesome to know I've helped her settle somewhere during the last two weeks.

3rd

Early rise this morning to return to the farmhouse to nurse the sick lamb we rescued last night. The lamb has forsaken eating and forgotten how to suckle, but this morning, after a feed last night, she is looking more aware. I plan to feed her a quarter bottle every 3–4 hours, to see if I can recover her suckle reflex, she swallowed a quarter of a bottle of milk. Today I flicked through my Facebook account, I don't post there much. I found a New Age Traveller festival, which bought back memories, a different world to the nowhere land I reside in today.

It's a warm spring morning at the farmhouse, the birds are singing, the rabbits are bobbing about, birds are scavenging for seed, and the Scottish Blackface ewes that roam the road now have lambs. Last night I had a message on the road to Ashkirk, that we'd left the dagging sheers behind, we returned to the farmhouse and found the sheers in the bucket, exactly where the message stated they'd be. I wonder about the thousand of other messages I get, mostly stomach churning negative, but the dark void never penetrates the ancestral light nurtured inside. Spent most part of today nursing the poorly lamb, it's different when they are younger, at this lambs age it is definitely much harder to stave off its weakness; feeling extremely sad at the sight of them both. And I know that nature will come to collect her lamb very soon if this dire starvation situation doesn't quickly improve. When you try your best, and then you somehow falter from everything you think could have been done, despair begins to settle in. Feeling beside myself with this, but must keep a brave face, and believe this lamb is going to get well.

2nd

Woken early this morning, cooked both my friend's breakfast at the farmhouse. We gave our new friend a lift to Galashiels before tending to sheep at both grass keeps. Charlie counted a lamb missing today, we searched, the absent lamb was found laid along the side of a hedgerow, slumbered over roots of a tree trunk. Irony that we had arrived to cade that lamb. Charlie placed the dead lamb in a plastic bag, in a bucket, then covered with an additional plastic bag, we agreed to not let our friend know about the dead lamb; as she would be sitting in the backseat, near to it. I tooked some pictures of a loch / sssi nature reserve near by, a scenic watery view I used for this months blog head image above.

Returning to Hawick we stopped in Selkirk, I love this seemingly endearing small town, this is where my grandmother grew up. Whilst Charlie walked to the post office we had a look in the red cross charity shop, received a "look what the cat dragged in stare" whilst we ruffled around, sliding rails, between tired, limp glad rags. Enablers resented that new feeling.

Early evening we took the trailer and returned to the grass keep, entering we was warned about the state of the other surviving lamb, connected to the ewe that refused to feed them. We coerced the ewe and lamb into the trailer via the run with food. They were visibly stressed but settled when inside the trailer.

Quickly errected a run for the ewe and her poorly lamb to enter into the shelter of the polytunnel. The little lamb has forsaken eating and forgotten how to suckle.

Returning to the farm house, we quickly constructed a run using the length of the tractor with a few hurdles. We got the ewe and lamb into the back of the poly tunnel, and penned them in. Charlie sat with the sick lamb, patiently bottle-feed her milk whilst her stressed mother circled the pen.

We reached the flat, finishing a long overdrawn day at 10:30pm. Our friend (who I have been helping to resettle, because nobody unofficial helped me whilst I was psychologically terrorised) had cooked us a yummy beef stew and dumplings, seated, fed and watered; a mere twenty minutes I was ready for bed.