March 2023

15th

I found it a struggle to leave the heated bed this morning, so Charlie fed the cade lambs. I returned to my flat, made coffee. The flat was quiet, but my mind was racing noisy, driving through Hawick, as with most places I have dwelled, seems to stir up turbulence of negative thoughts in my mind. Charlie arrived early from work, work sent home because he collapsed on the job. I'm taking the stubborn git to hospital after feeding the sheep silage for a plastic bin and bottle feeding the cade lambs at the farmhouse.

We waited three hours to be seen, during this time an idiot mother seated opposite called out her child as "Satan" then joked that they'd all be "going to hell". I'd of took a photograph of them and posted on this blog, if hospital privacy was not a concern. We were motioned into a cubical where a nurse stuck pads and wired Charlie up to an ECG machine. I sat with Charlie whilst a nurse took bloods, an hour later a doctor came, I questioned him about Charlie's heart rate which was HR LOW 41; he said this was not unusual for a patient on beta blockers.

After two hours of bed rest, his heart rate returned to HR51, half hourly at 43, 45, 46; the doctor returned at 1am to state he could not find anything wrong with Charlie. We drove back from Melrose, past Ashkirk, through thick fog and low cloud at speeds of 20mph, arriving at the farmhouse at 2am. The cades were very hungry, they were bottle-fed, then we had a coffee and sandwich before finally retiring for sleep, what a day.

14th

In the evening Charlie arrived at my flat, we stopped at a supermarket to purchase fire lighters, I also purchased a nose/ear trimmer for Charlie. He drove me to the farmhouse, I met the new cade lamb. He's quick to suckle, and has a powerful mouth for his age. He is on his feet and noisy when he is hungry. The newborn cade lamb, clumsy he clambers out his box and bleets loudly.

So far there have been twenty-six lambs, no dead ones other than a premature abortion. I like animals, because they don't judge me as the devil incarnate, despite having nurtured these cades from death's door. I have no children, and have no maternal instinct, which I put down to being severely abused during my childhood.

13th

Got my B12 injection on time, Charlie drove me to the surgery at midday to see a nurse who administered it.

12th

Happy to be going out and doing things today, but there is much work to do with this website. Last night, ewes with their lambs in the farmhouse field felt panic and distress that we were leaving to go to Hawick. We believe they have been bothered by the public, and also suspect a neighbour of feeding them. These animals are livestock, not pets, although we have cade lambs we keep contact with them to a minimum, with the aim of reintroducing them with their herd as soon as possible.

We dug out and filled six bags of Chafff then loaded a bail of Silage onto the car trailer. He reckons the quality ain't that great, and joked about the sheep getting drunk on it!

Charlie showed me the Wheat from the Chaff. Amongst some coo's there were two bulls, he called them "Billy Boys".

The drive back to the farm house was rough, the little car, endeavouring to pull the weight of the livestock feed. We stopped at Sainsbury's and enjoyed Almond croissants, yummy. Every day I am bleaching the floor in the kitchen and dining room, where the cade lambs have access to run around. Also have detol hand soap and squirt wash; the cade lambs are due to be resettled outside very soon.

I am learning about the behaviour of sheep, and their lambs, from watching them. The ewes play a game, where a ewe is selected by the herd, and chased around, the other ewes buck themselves into the air in observance. The lambs bunt and gnash with their teeth when they are hungry for a feed. The sheep isolate themselves from the herd when there upset or feeling unwell.

11th

Woke at 6:30am, unable to sleep. As I approached the staircase, the cade lambs resumed their request for feeding. The younger cade, although associative was not taking to the milk, Charlie solved this problem by pointing out the milk was not warm enough. Despite being cade the lambs still enjoy playing with the teat and bunting the bottle before they suckle. During feeding times I am still having to seperate the two, because the newest cade is weak, in comparison to our first cade.

Picking lambs up and placing them down somewhere else does not work, but lightly pushing against their faces does divert their attentions elsewhere, although Charlie just picks them up and places them behind a door. This morning, the mother ewes together with their lambs are being moved about the farm. All lambs have been parted from the herd for fear of them being crushed in feeding stampedes, they go, so brazen crazy for a serving poured from a bag of chaff. Lambs look so cute on the hillside.

We both had a twilight zone moment, the sheep were making a noise, the atmosphere felt unearthly strange, thereafter we discovered a gate by the side of the farmhouse had been opened. This used to happen a lot to me when I rambled the UK for years, except this time no calling card "usually litter emblemed with esoteric logo, or sometimes an associative object", just to say we know intimate things about you, nothing in your life, or those around you is private.

In the afternoon Charlie drove me along the Ashkirk road to Galashiels. I purchased up some toasty (half price) leggings. The wind blows a chill through the valley of Bothwick water, so a warm pair of leggings are an essential item of clothing. We popped into ASDA supermarket, purchased a savory snack which sedated both of us, dangerously him because he was driving. Savories purchased locally never send me to sleep, so leason learned here is to always shop locally, wherever possible.

10th

Had a better night's sleep and a healthier morning after I had two beef steaks last night for my evening meal. This morning, I told Charlie to get rid of the cage that we have been keeping newborn cade lambs inside. Now they are getting bigger and more jumpy, they are trapping their hooves in-between the metal wiring. Lame lambs are not much to do on a working farm, if leg problems persisted into adulthood, some animal welfare advocates would suggest they be euthanised.

Wow, what can I type, it snowed heavily last night, the Scottish Borders are looking so, so white, a white Scotland is truly, truly beautiful. Charlie bought the sheep down from the field, into shelter because of the sudden drop in temperature. The poly tunnel is crowded, so the ewes, although being fed plenty of silage have had to go without chaff this morning, for fear of a stampede trampling over the lambs.

Transportation of sheep over the next few days to recently purchased grass keep should fix this problem; I've convinced him to scale down from seventy sheep to thirty. The poly tunnel is also going to be rebuilt with better ventilation; so both Charlie and the sheep will have an easier time of things during the year. He's from a multi generational family of farmers, but aside from his job, this is a recreational hobby for him.

But pastimes should not require a need to be over executive, enough to disrupt his sense of well-being. The cold is getting to my back, so I am hesitantly searching the internet for some warm jumper dress, in view of spring equinox being less than a fortnight away! At night temperatures can plummet, in Avebury, on the eve of Beltaine, the temperature dropped to shivering, teeth chattering -6c.

The new cade isn't picking up as quickly as she should, I am assuming this is because she deteriorated slowly from her mother not providing enough milk. In mind of her shunning the outdoors and shaking a lot, I twisted Charlie's arm to administer a shot of antibiotic. Tonight feels a lot colder than other nights, despite outside temperature only dropping to -4c; feeling humbled by the logs burning warmth from an open fire before me.

9th

Managed to get two hours sleep last night, fed the two Zwartble cade lambs at 3am. I'm having difficulty with my health, lungs felt disconnected from my heart, brain fog has returned, and feeling weak as a kitten. Today I am at the farmhouse until tomorrow, the new cade lamb is very weak, not suckling properly, so I shall focus some attention on her today. Charlie leaves intervention until the last minute, and rightly so.

There was no snow last night, I am beginning to wonder just how fanciful these weather prophets have become with their bogus "predictions" but in a debased, authoritarian world that despises truth, who but them can gain a sense of reality, from letting go of group conformity, that manifests ridiculous milieu control delusions, fused and enamoured by psychological state terror.

Another two lambs born, they don't appear to have born with much strength. Charlie has purchased grass keep this year, so that worry is behind now. I also found my glasses, they were in the bottom of the mop bucket, covered in grime and hair, I mopped up two days ago. It's not good to have cade lambs in the house dinning room, but they are to weak and frail to be outside right now.

8th

It's a beautiful sunny morning outside, if my mental health was good, I'd be out walking about. But years of "chased down" stalking activity has built a wall of anxiety around me. Occasionally I face off apprehension, go outside, and ignore abuses. I am researching local walks as I am beginning to see surplus weight gain, due to months of staying inside. In the midst of lambing season I am also staying three to four days a week at the farmhouse, there is lots to do there that demands physical exertion and I enjoy being about in the surrounding Scottish Borders countryside. I am hoping anaemia will go away, I've had deathly bouts with vitamin B12 deficiency before, lasting for months, but these have gone away.

Later in the evening, another Zwartble lamb became cade. Mother ewe did not have enough milk for both her twins, so one came in and joined the lamb we saved; she's 3–4 days old. Whilst monitoring a ewe in labour, I filmed her birthing her lamb discreetly from the IPCam.

Charlie reckons we have about fourteen lambs, and that there will probably be about forty lambs altogether, so were almost half way through.

The news / weather forecast is threatening a big snow blizzard tonight, so Charlie chopped a huge pile of logs for tomorrow. The Scottish Borders is dropping to -11c at night, eight days into this month of March!

7th

At the farmhouse again today, we stopped in Hawick to pick up some cable clips, the farmhouse telephone line is still gaffer taped to the wall. This afternoon I realised I'd lost my reading glasses, luckily I have a spare pair because, after searching, I have no idea where they are. There have been three newborn lambs birthed between two ewes today, the lamb we saved is gaining strength every day; she's drinking half a bottle per sitting now.

She is small in comparison to her sister, and probably the smallest that has been born so far. I took more photographs of the lambs today, Charlie said they were nothing to boast about, I disagreed, stating they were here, in this world, and that was everything to be happy about. The mud is beginning to harden with the approaching spring sunshine, today I chopped away at some slabs, whilst Charlie shifted them in his wheelbarrow.

6th

Woken feeling better this morning, yesterday evening I received a some b12 from a huge helping of roast beef. One of the lambs is sitting down alot, I told charlie and he said it was because the lamb was a Scottish black face, different behaviour because the lamb was a different breed to the others.

A mother ewe had rolled onto her back, alerted by me over the phone Charlie returned to the Farmhouse to roll her back onto her feet, the mother ewe no further problems.

5th

Woke up dazed and a little confused, b12 diffency affects the concious mind, scrambles affirmative perceptions into a temporary but recoverable psychosis. A lamb has been born at the farmhouse today, but the mother ewe is sitting down, and not letting her lamb suckle; baaaad mother!

Charlie returned in the morning, we visited three bargin stores looking for cable clips, nothing although Charlie purchased a toaster and some gardening gloves. During afternoon I cleared mud away from the driveway footpath, scrapping access over the driveway, in anticipation of thaw from the coming onset of snow. I've taken a short video of the newborn lamb we saved.

Charlie's sheep dog runs obsessively backwards and forwards, frustrated because he is not there to be with Charlie when tending to the ewes and lambs inside the poly tunnel, bloody dafty this dog is; he is always anticipating end of the world as nigh. Some of the newborn lambs are now in the field, felt good to see them there, one ride away from grass keep.

Today I learned bad ewe mothers give birth to bad ewe mothers, this is held into consideration when deciding which ewes should go out to slaughter. A lamb from last year has given birth to two lambs, she doesn't have much milk to give both of them, today I asked Charlie if we could suppliment their milk. He is reserved, believing the sucking will promote more milk production, enough for both lambs to pull through. Stoked a roaring open log fire, this evening I am cooking a traditional Sunday roast. All the distance, through the decades I travelled this was something a rarely did; I enjoy cooking and providing hospitality, regardless of having received very little myself. Charlie bought the ewe and her thin lambs into the stable, away from the oncoming snow clouds; their mothers milk is now being suplemented; these lambs are very hungry.

4th

Had to stall going to the farmhouse this morning because I am feeling unwell. Woke up this morning and did not know where I was, have high temperature, dizziness and suffering hot / aching bones and joints. Early afternoon Charlie came, we drove to his work place, pick up logs and chaff for the sheep, then drove to Jedburgh to purchase an antique, but found the item, priced at £18 but worth £50-£70. Disappointed, we left the dealer, who wished us well, and found a pub serving food. I wanted to play a game of pool with Charlie, but he seemed to be suffering from social anxiety.

Pernicious anaemia has returned during tenth week into my twelve week b12 Injection; feeling unwell but remaining positive. As visitors we walked around the shops of Jedburgh, I took some pictures of Jedburgh Abbey, Charlie gave me a leggy over some railings, so I could get an unobstructed picture.

The abbey's presence is of awe, from memory of its impression from my return into Scotland from Carter bar, from the solitude of Spithope bothy, high up in the northernmost summit between yonder Cheviot hills and the verdant Kilder Forest.

Rising above the "former royal burgh" towards the village of Denholm; the panoramic views were outstanding in splendid character about this area of border; telescopic view could not enrapture this airy presence, fresh untempered breeze.

On the road to Jedburgh we drove past the tower of Minto, and planned to visit this landmark of fortifaction on our return to Hawick from Jedburgh. In the car park there was a notice, rising from bags of disregarded rubbish, describing the woodland area surrounding the tower as a SSSI. Unwelcoming was a "no" paragraph, declining camping, among other proscibed activities upon the land. I wondered who else was at the tower, in observance of two other parked cars.

Charlie has quit smoking for about a fortnight, I am enamoured by his effort, he's smoked for a long time, but I can see his health beginning to return from abstinence; noticeable on our ascent up this hillside. After several hundred yards a curtailed view of Minto's "Fat lips" tower became apparent.

Returning to the car we noticed, in a field adjacent, some newborn calves. I found the walk up the hill invigorating and felt healthier for my visit despite lethargy from symptoms of pernicious anaemia. Arriving at my flat I attempted to settle my mind into the evening. I repeatedly turned the heating up, unable to keep warm whilst I listened to an audio talk show. By ten oclock Charlie departed, so depleted I barely stood up; becoming intollerent to a farewell hug.

2nd

The newborn lamb is acting how it should be at three days old, although slightly under eating but not that significant because the lamb is undersize. To allow for full viewing coverage of the poly tunnel, we installed another IPCAM. Despite being installed and positioned correctly, the transmitted pictures are being received upside down!

Tonight I plan to return to my flat for some much-needed rest, as I am feeling a little run down with what has happened during the last few days. I miss the farmhouse when I am at the farmhouse, but not when I am at the flat, two different worlds, too much to do at the farmhouse, than to spend time wresting with inconsolable memories of a life.

1st

Up all night nursing a new born lamb, sick from watery mouth. Last night, at around 6pm she deteriated quickly, within four hours she was dispondent, became flaccid and was reluctant to suckle. Three hour feeds were narrowed to 1 hr feeding, with smaller amounts of milk administered. In consideration of these symtoms she recieved a shot of anti-biotics.

This has picked her up, this morning she is walking, lifting her head, and exiting her cage to go for a walk about. Waiting for her to poo, to be in the clear, as the first 36 hours, when she is most vunreable to Watery Mouth are about to expire. I've also notice she is suckling and swallowing, before, there was obstruction inbetween this.

With lambing season starting a few days ago, I have a feeling this month is going to be mostly about lambing sheep, for those who farm the land of the Scottish Borders; what a learning curve, two weeks ago I knew anything about about livestock other than their glare, as I accessed footpaths, rambling through the fields and yonder. At 7pm the lamb is much better, she is standing on her feet steady and without shaking. Her breathing has steadied, and is sleeping more restfully, Charlie returned from work with a big smile on his face, he stated my hard work paid off. I am really hoping this lamb is out of the woods now, she's also chewing straw, another sign she is improving. The lamb has pooed, but is a bit stiff on it's legs, knees at the front not bending as they should. This could be "Joint Ill", so Charlie is lengthing the course of anti-biotic; joint ill appears to be yet another obstacle. The lamb is inbred, the tup was a brother of it's mother! so I am wondering if this may have anything to do with its ongoing struggle to birth into this world. There are about eight lambs now on the farm. Late at night the ewes have been jumping, and playing chase games around the metal ring feeder; which is causation of much excitement among their community. Very noisy this afternoon, when they are waiting for their silage they become emboldened.