December 2023

30th

I am awake at 1am, having problems sleeping. I've lit an open log fire within the farmhouse study room, so I am warm, and not disturbing Charlie who is getting up for work in a mere few hours. I suffer from tinnitus, high pitch metallic hissing in my ears; which can be abysmal at times, significantly after eating sugary foods and drinks.

Close-up view of a fire burning brightly in a traditional fireplace. The flames are vibrant orange and yellow, licking at pieces of wood of varying sizes. The fireplace itself appears old and somewhat worn, adding to the rustic ambience. The overall impression is one of warmth and cosiness.

The warmth of the fire is a luxury for me, after years of roaming through rain, wind and snow; too anxious to rest, yet too tired to walk. That numbness hasn't left me, the companionship I now have seems real, but at times becomes unreal; the long reach of self-worth is a hard grasp when emerging from being psychologically terrorised into a catatonic state of selflessness until I could not figure humanity as being real.

Snow-dusted rural landscape, viewed from a slightly elevated perspective. In the foreground is a long, dark barn with a corrugated metal roof, partially covered in snow. To the right, there are sections of low stone walls, and a partially visible wooden structure, also dusted with snow. A utility pole with power lines is prominent on the left. Beyond the immediate foreground sits a gently rolling landscape of fields and woodlands, all lightly covered in snow under a grey, overcast sky. The overall mood is quiet and somewhat bleak, suggestive of a cold, winter's day in a rural area.

The weather is strange, this afternoon I risen to a view of somewhere between rain and snow. Last night there was no wind, the wooden farm gates were frozen, yet the temprature was only -2c; this morning snow clouds have filled the sky, yet not sleet but rain is falling onto the ground. The farmhouse was freezing, I cannot remember the coldness being so sharp, perhaps this is because of sickness, or from climatising to my central heated flat. The farm uses expensive heating oil, around £420-520 to fill the heating oil tank. We've almost run out of this oil by late December and the cold is here until April.

Nighttime scene of a flock of sheep enclosed within a wooden pen. The pen is illuminated from within, casting a warm glow against the dark, wet surroundings. Other shadowy structures and what appears to be a muddy or wet ground are visible in the darker areas of the image. The overall impression is one of rural life at night, possibly during a period of inclement weather.

This afternoon we visted William Lockie knitwear shop, after days of searching the internet I decided to purchase locally and found a wool fair isle cardigan in Hawick for £125. If we cannot afford heating oil, I'm going to purchase warm clothing. Next year I plan to spin yarn and knit my own shetland / fair isles cardigans and jumpers; I have ten teeswater fleeces, sheered last year to begin this with. We also visited Kelso, there are more shops in this town, I appreciated the Christmas tree in the square. I was glad to return to Hawick, this Scottish Borders town has slowly become valid enough to be my home.

28th

At midnight, I baked Charlie another fruit cake; he was very contented with a previous fruit cake I baked for him.

Large white mixing bowl containing a mixture for fruitcake. The mixture is a light brown colour and is studded with numerous dark-coloured dried fruits (likely raisins, currants, and possibly other dried fruits). A wooden spoon is partially submerged in the mixture. The background is a kitchen setting, with spices visible on a shelf above.

The toffee smell of the dried fruit cooking with water, butter and sugar is warming. I poured mixed fruit, butter and sugar from a pan into a bowl containing flour, baking power and mixed spice.

Close-up view of a white bowl containing a mixture of dried fruits and spices. A light yellow liquid, likely a beaten egg mixture, is being poured from a clear glass bowl into the bowl of fruit and spice mixture. A wooden spoon is visible in the bowl. The scene depicts a step in the preparation of a fruitcake or similar baked good.

Whisked eggs were added to the mixture. I tried to keep the mobile phone shadow from the picture but failed when I became preoccupied; multitasking became blured after suffering cPTSD, GAD; weird that I was unaware of BPD until I was diagnosed with it but then what is darkness to light?

Close-up view of a dark-coloured bowl or pan containing a light brown mixture. The mixture appears to be a batter or dough, with small, dark specks distributed throughout, possibly dried fruits or nuts. The surface of the mixture has numerous small bubbles visible, suggesting it may be freshly mixed or has recently undergone a process involving aeration. The overall impression is of a food item in the process of preparation.

I'm using a cake tin that pops off at the bottom. This cake was in the oven at 160-170 for one hour twenty minutes before the inserted knife came out clean. The smaller oven at my flat bakes very diffrently to the older oven at the farmhouse.

Dark fruit cake, freshly baked and still in its black spring form pan. The cake's surface is slightly domed and has a textured appearance, showing small air bubbles from baking.
Round fruit cake that has been burnt on top. The top is dark and dry, while the sides show some moistness, suggesting uneven baking. The cake rests on a wire rack on a wooden surface. Crumbs are visible on the rack and the counter.

I'm proud of my baking, but wouldn't feel upset at criticism. Fruit cake is loaded with energy that Charlie requires to do his farm work during these dark cold winter months; I know the cake is a success when I see him perked up in stature, bearing a smile on his face. This cake is appears visibly different to the previous cake, which was too dry in texture.

27th

I've not seen the River Teviot flow so fast and rise so high as I did today.

These photographs were taken at dusk, late afternoon.

Wide river in flood. The water is brown and turbulent, with whitecaps indicating a strong current. A low stone wall runs along the bottom right of the image, separating the viewer from the river. In the background, buildings and trees are visible, indicating a residential or urban area close to the river. The sky is overcast, adding to the sombre mood of the scene. The overall impression is one of a powerful and potentially destructive natural event.

Police had closed the quiet lane to Roberton was at the end of Wilton park.

Small, fast-flowing stream or brook, its water appearing white and frothy due to its force. The stream is channeled through a narrow, rocky or earthen bank, heavily overgrown with leafless winter shrubs and small trees. A road and some trees are slightly visible in the background, suggesting a woodland or rural setting. The overall mood is one of quiet natural power, captured possibly in the late autumn or winter. There's a sense of movement in the water and a stillness in the surrounding vegetation. A broken branch is visible next to the water's edge.

This depth of water on the road was no problem for our 4x4.

Flooded country lane at dusk or dawn. The water covers the road, reflecting the overcast sky. Bare, winter trees line the lane, their silhouettes stark against the muted sky. The overall impression is one of quiet, watery desolation. The view is from inside a vehicle, the windshield partially obscuring the bottom of the image.

Charlie pulled the 4x4 over enabling me to take a span of this classic tractor pictured below.

Vintage tractor decorated with Christmas lights. A Santa Claus figure is positioned on the tractor's seat. The tractor is parked in front of a dark barn, on a grassy area, at dusk or night. The overall scene evokes a festive, rural Christmas atmosphere.

We are purchased pizza's from Morrisons rather than Dominos, a multinational franchise that recently opened in Hawick.

26th

Sure is cold this morning, ice on the 4x4 bonnet and window screen has made such a pretty pattern.

Close-up view of frost patterns on a dark-coloured surface. The frost forms intricate, radiating designs resembling delicate, icy feathers or fern-like structures. The overall colour palette is cool, with shades of grey and light blue-grey dominating.
Close-up view of frost patterns on a cold surface, possibly a window or a similar material. The frost forms delicate, feathery designs in shades of light and dark blue-grey, creating a textured and somewhat abstract aesthetic. The overall impression is one of cold, stillness, and the beauty found in natural, ephemeral formations.

Charlie is nursing his hangover ho hum.

Border collie dog exploring a sun-dappled path in a dense, tall pine forest. The sun shines brightly through the trees, creating a warm, inviting atmosphere. The scene evokes a feeling of serenity and tranquillity.

Sam enjoying the woodland, Charlie bought him indoors and gave him a bath on Christmas day.

Sun-dappled forest scene. Tall, slender pine trees dominate the composition, their trunks mostly dark against the bright light breaking through the canopy. The forest floor is covered in a vibrant carpet of moss, illuminated in patches by the sunlight filtering through the trees. A small, shallow stream or drainage channel is visible winding through the moss. The overall mood is one of serene tranquillity and natural beauty. The sun's rays create a dramatic contrast of light and shadow.

In the afternoon we enjoyed a walk through the Craik Forest. Digital cameras always have trouble with forest pictures.

25th

Walking Sam the sheepdog, Charlie picked up what was left of a huge firecracker that had been lit and exploded upon our farmhouse paddock. Nobody lets off fireworks here, not even on bonfire night. Almost everybody that lives within this beautiful Borthwick valley are farmers and / or are from farming families.

I like this Germanic folk song.

O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
Du glänzt nicht nur
Zur Sommerzeit
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!
Wie oft hat nicht zur Winterzeit
Ein Baum von dir mich hoch erfreut!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Dein Kleid will mich
Was lehren:
Die Hoffnung und Bestndigkeit
Gibt Trost und Kraft
Zu jeder Zeit.
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Das soll dein Kleid
Mich lehren.

Quiet apt living next to a forest.

Charlie is tired today, I slept in until 1pm, and I am thankful to undisturbed rest for passing the morning, because being near auspicious festivity incurs anxiety and panic, exactly the psychological effect the enablers wanted to inflict. Splitting kindling with a bill hook, I noticed just how wet this Christmas actually is, the most soggy I've ever seen. I failed to fetch Sam from his kennel and into the farmhouse, but will talk to Charlie later about bringing him in and bathing him.

24th

Yesterday, Charlie purchased the flock in the polytunnel another nutritional lick bucket; early this morning, the flock is appearing comfortable and contented chewing cud. They finished the last lick bucket in just one week, Donna the cade ewe lamb was unhappy with the empty lick bucket being taken away; perhaps indirectly requesting a replacement bucket. I got Charlie to purchase more bird food, I've enjoyed their presence about the garden this month. Ewes are noticeably in lamb.

Flock of sheep resting in a barn at night. They are lying down on a bed of straw, inside a structure that appears to be a temporary or mobile shelter, possibly a sheep shed or transport. The sheep are predominantly light-coloured, with a few darker sheep interspersed. A wooden feeding trough is visible, and the overall atmosphere is one of calm and quiet. The image includes a timestamp indicating the time of capture.

With shooting season happening, we have three male pheasants visiting the farmhouse for chaff leftovers. The partridge family has not returned this winter, after attacking me some months ago; although I have seen them, pass by, over the paddock adjacent to the farmhouse. Seasonal changes appear more visible here in the Scottish Borders, lately I've noticed the grass has stopped growing, in the winter, there is no gardening, as little, of anything appears to grow. Charlie has been foraging in the vegetable garden this morning, on this occasion he has pulled out a dozen parsnips; and one very small carrot; he claims this is because these root vegetables were planted late in the year.

Several parsnips, freshly harvested, lying on a metallic surface. Their pale, almost yellow roots are stained with dark brown dirt, and their green tops are still attached. The focus is on the texture and earthy tones of the vegetables, suggesting a harvest or preparation for cooking. The overall mood is one of natural abundance and rustic simplicity.

I asked a neighbour if he'd made any Scottish friends since he moved to the Scottish Borders from Middlesborough three years ago. He's a friendly, sociable guy, so I was surprised when he replied that nobody from here had befriended him other than a Polish bar maid; says gets on well with Polish people. Charlie has not made any Scottish friend either, he's been in the Borders 11 years; I've been living here thirteen months and not made any Scottish friends. As a matter of note, I mean friends, not acquaintances, or people liasoning in a professional capacity. I know there is historic anti-English sentiment here, and a few Scottish people would be proud to have not befriended an English person.

Leonie's hand holding a freshly harvested turnip. The turnip's pale yellow root is visible, along with its dark brown root system and the green leafy top. The image focuses on the detail of the turnip's structure.
Leonie's hand holding a parsnip. The parsnip is pale yellow-beige with brown discoloration in places, and its root system is clearly visible. The background is a blurred metallic surface, possibly a kitchen sink or counter.

This afternoon we received bad news of Charlie's employer catching COVID-19, he's old and now bedridden isolated on Christmas Eve; we're also feeling under the weather this afternoon; I am hoping this is psychosomatic, but Charlie is feeling chesty and hot today. Charlie is double vaccinated, but I ask how has this made a difference other than kill more people? COVID-19 has been around three years, and I've never caught it; although just before the pandemic, I was so sick, my lungs rattled so much that the general practitioner prescribed an venalin inhaler; despite never before suffering asthma; after a week I recovered.

21st

Other than opening the door for the gas man to service my boiler, and to talk to a visiting support worker, I've been bedridden the entire day, falling through the floor with pernicious anaemia.

20th

A mother ewe that died on the 14th is still waiting at the farmhouse to be picked up by the knacker man on the 20th.

Dead animal, possibly a sheep or a similar sized animal, covered with a white tarp. Two tires are placed on top of the tarp, near the animal's legs. The scene is set in a muddy area next to a stone wall and a fence. The overall mood is sombre and suggests the animal has perished.

Last week, it took the knacker man four weeks to collect a dead mother ewe; I am worried that this very swollen ewe will explode soon. We now suspect Rhododendron to have killed this mother ewe.

18th

Planned to walk into Hawick town centre but became bedridden unwell during late morning. Other than B12, I am aware there is an underlying condition resulting in my suffering anaemia. I'm suspecting this continuation of sickness to be related to folate; other than damage already incurred, then maybe a more serious medical condition.

Green carpet with white lines forming concentric circles and lines, typical of a bowls rink or a similar game. The carpet is laid on a wooden floor, and other similar mats are visible in the background. The overall impression is of an indoor game space.
Selfie taken by a Leonie wearing a beige knitted hat and a navy blue polka dot dress. She is in a large hall with wooden floors and beams, where a bowls game is taking place. Several people are visible in the background, some playing bowls, and others observing. Leonie is in the foreground appearing to be slightly amused or smirking, perhaps observing the game. The overall mood is casual and relaxed, possibly suggesting a social event.

My health improved as the anaemic paleness from my skin lifted unto red during the afternoon, enough for me to play carpet bowls during the evening. We played "skill sets"; Charlie enjoyed the games, I was left bewildered after not coming last, but thought everybody a winner, as all the skill sets were completed by all the players.