October 2022

31st

It can be really difficult to get out of my tent in the morning, but I have to get up and move on to face another day.

I was woken up by the gentle rain hitting my tent, and the chill of the air on my face caused my hands and feet to shift.

Breakfast. Got a ride into Selkirk from a surveyor who was on his way to work. The warm air from the vans' heating vents made me feel better.

Messages in a storefront in Selkirk?

Took the bus to Galashiels and got my glasses. It was a pleasure to read the text again; the edges of the letters are now visible.

After locating some acquaintances, I received a telephone call from the Borders Council informing me that they had provided me with a local connection to the region. I drink a lot to calm my racing mind; I need to look into a healthier alternative. I also scheduled an appointment with a chiropractor—the movie Jacob's Ladder comes to mind—because I'm probably just as upset as he is. Had three pints of Tenants, which has slowed down my mind sufficiently, going to have to continue my journey if I will not be spending money on public.

Due to my exhaustion, I have cancelled my trip to Bannockburn. Although I am depleted, I will endeavour to commemorate Samhain in the borders, as my grandmother was born there. I hitchhiked to Peebles and consumed alcohol at a pub known as the Green House. Because I'm tired and annoyed, I'm going to call it a night early.ⁿ

30th

I assume he slept with one eye open after waking up near Robert deBruis Castle.

Back in his time, people didn't punish others with harsh rules while keeping quiet all the time.

Breakfast was consumed at the Robert Bruce Wetherspoons pub. While the impersonal drinks robot was new, I watched in despair as it cleaned itself.

A "rude bitch" handbag was present on one of the spoons, and a "Hell O Martin" was also highlighted. Additionally, there was a continuous flow of Suedeheads.

It appears that individuals are dissatisfied with the additional hour of wait time for an alcoholic beverage that occurred as a result of the midnight time change. I exited before midday, acquired a wristwatch, and subsequently entered the Dickies bar to enjoy a refreshing pint of Tenants. . I took a train to Carlisle, then a taxi to Longtown, then a ride from a man in a van to Hawick. I walked north without getting a lift, so I set up my tent in a field nearby.

29th

Last night, I arrived at the Haining in Selkirk at 2 a.m. and woke up at 8 a.m., completing six hours of sleep.

Grandmother moved to England after being born in Selkirk. Have been to Haining before and taken pictures. Here are some recent photos.

I didn’t walk around the small loch.

Received transportation to Hawick from an army veteran located north of the town, followed by a series of transfers via the A7 to the A1/A66 services at Jedburgh, Newcastle, and Scots Corner. The A66 was covered in a thick fog.

One outdoor adventurer, who was en route to visit his mother in Glasgow, provided me with a final ride to Dumfries at approximately 6 p.m.

Blair, an imposing bartender, served me during the evening at the Globe pub. One of the customers even bought me a drink before I left at 10:30 p.m. to find somewhere to sleep. They also chatted with me and opened a box of Halloween costume clothes (I used to love dressing up before I was damaged).

28th

This morning, I was unwell with debilitating symptoms of pernicious anaemia. After consuming breakfast, I experienced postprandial hypotension, which caused my eyeballs to roll with fatigue. I awoke with the sensation of sinking into the floor. This is relatively concerning, as I am not scheduled to receive another B12 injection until December 2022. Perhaps this is related to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) rather than an underlying blood disorder.

Tinnitus in my ears is deafening and has taken on additional tones recently. How is it that every time I attempt to settle in an area, at least for a while my mental and physical state of health plummets? I would make more of an effort to pick myself up but I am waiting to hear if I am going to be relocated later today. Outside is a sunny morning/afternoon, and the fair autumnal weather is luring me to out for a walk around Gala hill; I know if I push myself enough, hyperarousal will release enough adrenalin to get me up there. So I dragged myself out of bed and stomped about the hillside taking pictures.

An exposure that displays greivance and despair in order to destroy us forever is a construct of darkness.

27th

At midnight, the neighbour above was also losing it, yelling obscenities and screaming. I intend to travel today; however, I am uncertain of my destination at this time. I anticipate that I will be travelling a considerable distance and camping as well. Anxiety used to drive me to wander for hours on end years ago. I awoke to the sound of someone skulking around the exterior of my flat, attempting to observe what was going on. They wore wellies, which made their footsteps sound. They weren't very tall, but they walked at speed up and down the hard paving stone outside. I am experiencing a heavy, metallic hissing sound in my ears. The sound occasionally swishes, and in silence, it becomes increasingly louder, as if it is expanding. I think this constant pain is called Tinnitus, even though I've never been officially diagnosed. Even though I was in deep sleep after two in the morning, my eyes were watery and felt loose, as if I had been crying while I slept. I spent the latter part of the morning and early afternoon writing diary entries for this blog. I had a nice meal at the Recharge Café, but I'm exhausted, so I suppose I won't be travelling today. There is a terrible death odour coming from somewhere in the crash pad flat; I must locate it because the council is moving me on soon.

26th

At midday, I embarked on a stroll through the town. Exercise elevates serotonin levels, which alleviates depression. I took pictures by myself.

What happened to these individuals to present their homes in such a manner?

I went for another walk to get rid of some stress and feel better. I experimented with some night photography. It rained heavily in the woods, at first sleet and then drenching rain. Even though it was raining, I sat and rocked on a swing for five minutes.

25th

Woken at 3 am this morning, hungover from last night. Feeling a little down and agitated this morning, the crash pad flat curtains are still drawn in the afternoon. I coloured my curly hair today to get rid of the gray that had grown in. My hair is thin and won't grow past my shoulders. I spent the morning adding new posts to my blog and reading through the biography pages. I'm starting to forget things about the past, which makes me sad. I'm upset that my phone's screen broke twice, but I can't remember that happened. When I went outside in the afternoon, a white blonde woman wearing a leopard-print coat glared at me in Marks and Spencers. She then reversed her BMW, wound down the front passenger side window, and made threats to smash my face in. It was a look of pure hatred. I was overwhelmed by stress while in the crash pad flat, so I decided to take a walk on Gala Hill to alleviate some of the unsettling anxiety. Two people have cancelled me tonight just before midnight because they don't like what I wrote on this blog. The message I got said "fuck off" and "don't talk to us again." I won't go into detail any more because they've been blocked. I'm used to being shunned.

24th

For nearly an hour and a half, Ionos was on the phone to answer a question regarding their WordPress installation on shared hosting that blocked XML-RPC. The contract was terminated following a brief conversation with the supervisor, who acknowledged that the WordPress app from the Google Play Store is currently blocked due to problematic DoS attacks on their servers. Although I have since relocated this blog to my VPS, I have successfully maintained my domain name, which I acquired through Ionos. They’re a good company and have always been flexible with customer service. I went to Specsavers and bought a good pair of reading glasses because my awesome blue eyes have been good to me through all of my problems. Spec savers are an outstanding company. After breakfast at the Hunters Bar, I went to the Reivers Bar for the first time and ordered a pint of larger. I also got a drink for a blind man in the Hunter's Bar who seemed lonely. I was surprised to see this violent picture. The statement that was broadcasted worldwide on television defamed White males as blue-eyed, blonde-haired devils, as depicted by the Nation of Islam belligerent pictured above. They take seriously the racist nonsense he said, they also look up to and even worship him as a successful fighter. You don't think he was bad? Read about the cult he was a part of. An old man approached me, introduced himself, told me his story, and then claimed it was a lie. He then asked if I had a penis and how frequently I masturbated. The Reivers sports bar in Galashiels is disgusting; stay away if you don't want to be called a whore. The "tranny" decimations continue indefinitely, with a woman (with whom I have never interacted) commencing the music box with "Ballroom Blitz" from the Rocky Horror Show, followed by aggressive black rap music. I must acknowledge, however, that it does not frighten or disturb me to the same degree. Following the acquisition of cosmetics and moisturizers, I entered the Auld Mill Inn and consumed numerous sips of whiskey and pints of larger beer. I grew more suicidal as the night turned into an incoherent haze.. I walked back to the crash pad flat with a Domino's pizza in my hand. It was cold, gray, and sad, and the depth made it feel flatter. I'm glad there aren't any sharp objects in this flat because I would have probably cut myself with one. I have some ugly scars on my arms from when religious persecution was at its worst ten years ago.

23rd

I met a man named Colin, and we rode the train from Galashiels to Tweedbank. The ticket inspector gave me a sour look.

We walked his two dogs along the riverbank at Tweedbank station, and he appeared to be concerned about the possibility of rain. We reached the Kings Arms Bar by walking up the high street. We shared a bottle of white wine that a friend ordered.

Afterward, we met up with his girlfriend at the Auld Mill bar in Galashiels after taking the bus back there. We visited his girlfriend's residence for an hour and shared a curry. Subsequently, I walked the 600 meters back to the crashpad flat.

22nd

The neighbour above is a malevolent and unsavoury individual. He was awake all night with his friend, consuming cocaine as a reward for causing us harm. Early in the morning, I left the crash pad flat and headed west from Galashiels.

Hitch-hiked to Neidpath Castle.

I then went the opposite way and hitched back to Peebles, then to Innerleithen, and finally to Selkirk. Hitched a lift to Hawick. And another to Jedburgh. I entered the Mary Queen of Scots museum.

I entered the oldest licensed bar in Scotland and was perplexed by this pun above the bar shelf.

I managed to hitchike back to Galashields in two lifts.

20th

A glass of white wine last night helped me sleep well, which is why I woke up at 4 a.m. Even though Cornwall Council has rejected me as a local connection, Scottish Borders Council remains resolute in its refusal to assume responsibility for my rehousing. Don't you think it's crazy that they take in people from all over the world? Yet discriminate against me, but maybe that’s the point. In addition to this, the Borders Council has now retracted their offer to move me to Kelso, sending me back to the "crash pad" flat, at least for today, and declared that I will be leaving by the end of the weekend. This was stated by an unhappy woman who was aggressive in her words when confronted with the situation.

After returning my belongings to the flat, I left once more. I visited the recharge cafe and relished a cup of tea, a blueberry muffin, and eggs on toast. I inquired about mental health services from a woman who was employed at the cafe. She directed me to an organization called "We Are With You," which was later revealed to be "Ad Action." However, the organization was not specifically focused on mental health; rather, it was focused on drug and alcohol addiction. They then directed me to Citizens Advice, who assured me that they would contact me by phone.

I returned to Specsavers in town and was able to purchase a pair of inexpensive glasses for only £30. The total cost was covered by my NHS voucher, so I will be able to see clearly enough to read and sew by the end of the week. Going out of town on some steep steps, I went back to the crash pad for a short time but couldn't rest. I took a walk to the fountain in the gardens of the Old Gala House, which helped me calm down enough to take some pictures. The Borders Family History Society had some interesting information about the area's history, and I chose to see a "Pele tower" a mile west of Galashiels.

Came across some interesting fungi by the Pele Tower:

And a walk up to the hill fort.

Just like yesterday, I hitched a ride to Peebles and back because I was too nervous to go back to the crash pad flat. The final lift provided me with just over £4, which allowed me to purchase a meal for tonight. I continued to wander aimlessly through Galashiels for at least another hour before I was able to expel enough anxiety to return to my crash pad.⁣

For supper tonight, I'm having baked beans on toast. The beans cost 40p, and two loathes came from the recycle food cafe. The crash pad flat is cold tonight because it looks like the gas has run out, and being wet from spending the majority of today outside in the rain doesn't help either. Following my search for the gas meter outside, I was able to locate it in a box located at the front of the crash pad flat, thanks to the advice of a neighbor.

First, the gas card didn't work, and it took three tries to turn on the gas in the flat. I experimented with the boiler before the hot water and radiators were restored. I cried when I saw the filthy water leaking from my filthy socks. Trauma can impair understanding and rob you of all self-care. I remained in a state of shame due to my neglect of myself until I fell asleep.⁣

19th

I am experiencing difficulty concentrating today, as I am experiencing numerous "jolts" and "missing gaps." Before hypervigilance fragments my mind, I must achieve a balance between being insular and secular by practicing mindfulness. I made a commitment to quit smoking today, so perhaps I will have the money to buy a decent pair of reading glasses the following week. I went to the recharge cafe this morning and got a cake, a sandwich, and a cup of tea. When asked about the cafe, a woman came out of the kitchen and said that it was run by three or four people as a non-profit business. She didn't say anything religious. Today, this cafe has helped me relax. ⁣

Upon the cafe's closure, I departed and proceeded on an impulsive walk to the south, ascending a hill from which I could observe Galashiels below.

There were three buzzing radio masts on top of Meigle Hill. I thought, "I hope they don't turn them up."

I had somehow oriented myself to follow the Southern Upland Way and ended up halfway between Selkirk and Galashiels.

18th

When my eyes were tested this morning, it looked like something from the Blade Runner movie from the 1990s. in front of my eyes, then showed and talked about some OCT imaging results on his monitor before doing some more tests.

The test results were mostly good; it indicated that my eyes are healthy. However, I need to wear glasses for reading now that I'm older and longer-sighted. Since the optician says that this usually happens at 45, I'm a little ahead at 48. I departed Specsavers with a prescription in hand, but I lacked the funds to purchase my glasses (I have a sum of one penny in my bank account).

17th

Okay, here is a video clip of the garden fountain in the Old Gala House today:

The crash pad flat is located in Church Square, which is very close.

15th

Today I went on a morning walk around Gala hill.

The walk ended a circular walk, from my flat, and back to my flat.

14th

Slept on the settle within this “crash pad”; next to me was a radiator, the heat was nice but space limited, twisting my neck. Could not bring me to sleep on the bed, been seven months since I slept on a bed, and such is the situation of diabolical estrangement.

After purchasing breakfast at my favourite Galashiels bakery I walked around town and took some photographs.

13th

Temperature dropped to 3C during the night, the residual cold made for an uncomfortable night's sleep. I need a thicker sleeping bag and warmer clothing to survive the upcoming winter. It will snow in two weeks, according to someone from Galashiels. On the plus side, I was able to buy a cozy wool cardigan from a charity store. I am a resilient individual; however, I am nearly 49 years old and, in retrospect, I should consider rehousing myself and acknowledging these process-inhibiting anxieties that impede ingenuity. While the wind chill is undoubtedly negative, my body temperature appears to be adapting to the icy chill. Woken at 5 am by dog walkers but if I pack away now, I”ll be walking, shivering through the coldest hours of the dawn.

I've been forgetting to take my Lyme disease pills, mostly missing doses. In the evening, my mental health has been getting worse. I guess that's why I've been drinking to calm down the hypervigilance before my mind breaks when I should be focusing on getting ready for the cold. Today, I'm going to travel once more.

Since I've been throwing countless earwigs out of my tent in the last few early mornings and late evenings, I suspect that the feeling of things crawling around in my ears is psychosomatic. I'm excited and inspired to get out of my tent by the prospect of a hot coffee and a warm roll that I could buy in town. It is very strange to feel kindness from things that are not alive, I guess from a broken-down state of soullessness.

It feels selfish and self-centred to write about myself on this blog, but I usually don't have much else to write about because I feel so alone and different. Little else to write about, if anything. The tent poles burned my hesitant hands with sticky cold as I packed up my tent. Additionally, my tent was frozen. The walk down the Brae was nice, and the bakery was friendly, but the younger worker couldn't relate to my situation; I looked closely for a sign of autism but only saw Neoliberal conditioning. The quality of the coffee and rolls is satisfactory, and they prevent my arthritic fingers from precariously tumbling around a hot gas stove.

The volunteers maintaining a strip of the park alongside an affluent street of shops were unfriendly, as if I were, with torn, frayed edges from the fringes of wilderness were unsightly to their prim, edgy, nit-combed garden, part of the gentrification facade that fronts, from the south, a dysfunctional and underfunded civic administration of Galashiels.

Favour local wild flowers. This purple toadflax stands out against the crumbling brickwork of an old factory.

The recharge cafe was revealed as we strolled down the road. Our curiosity was piqued by the opportunity to observe the recycling of food waste. Swanky squat café, I thought.

At the cafe, I washed all the dirty clothes that were at the bottom of my bag, which means I now have clean warm socks. I am pleased to report that I am departing from this cafe with a full stomach. The cuisine was delectable, and the individuals were friendly.

I choose to walk mountains, to hitchhike locations of outstanding natural beauty rather than curl up inebriated inside pissy shop doorways; yet these predicaments are visible to only a fraction of society. When I called the Borders council's homeless team, I wasn't very hopeful about a good outcome. After leaving my information to wait for a callback, I read their website's list of discrimination criteria.

To be eligible for a homeless service, you must be able to show that you:

There is an option of private rented accommodation, I will explore those possibilities.

Additionally, I scheduled an eye exam; however, it will not occur until the following week. This is due to the fact that I am required to extend my arm in order to concentrate on objects. I have programmed my phone alarm to sound three days in advance to serve as a daily reminder that I must return to Galashiels for the Eyesight OTC test.

Someone named Andrew Stewart called back from the Borders Council. It's funny, because my old council officer was named Alan Stewart.. They look like they want to help me get back to Cornwall and get back in touch with the council there. I am not interested in returning to Cornwall after spending 18 months there, as it has caused me to feel unsettled and distraught.

Upon arriving at the Borders Council at 2 p.m., I discovered that they had temporarily placed me in emergency accommodation in Galashiels.s. The individual who was interviewing me regarding an emergency loan conveyed his uncertainty regarding my likelihood of being rehoused. He told me that the choice wasn't his while asking me about what I had and how I spent my money since Monday. I have successfully repaired the central heating system and replaced a bulb, resulting in the installation of lighting in the lounge.

I was initially granted a £40 loan; however, he later contacted me to inform me that he had made an error and that the amount was actually £80. I felt as though he was engaging in psychological games, as they were aware that I had been diagnosed with eBPD. I ordered a pint with my final £5 and conversed with some locals until 8 p.m., at which point I had to leave. After purchasing a pint with my final £5, I conversed with some locals until 8 p.m., at which point I was required to depart. Got to take away, and fell asleep after eating.

12th

It was a cold and uncomfortable night, and I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a torrential downpour on my tent.

Last night I got very sick after eating a pizza from Domino's. I will not be going back there again.ⁿ

I had set up my tent next to sheep poop, which was already uncomfortable, and the smell stayed with me all night. I made a joke with the bakery this morning, stating, "I am everywhere and nowhere," and also added, "I am forsaken and deprived of a somewhere." We went to a cute little café called T-4-2 and had soup and a roll.

When I went back to the Salmon Inn, I met a man who had lost his family's wealth. He finished his coffee and left the pub because he didn't want to drink alcohol. He split up with his friend and went next door to go back to the old mill inn. Stayed here until the evening and watched Liverpool beat Rangers 7-0 at home. Today, a nice local man who I've met a few times bought me dinner from Tony's takeout.

After 10 p.m., I walked to Galashiels and made my way up Gala hill. However, I was too agitated and anxious to settle down and pitch my tent for the night. I went north of Galashiels and set up camp near a golf course to avoid walking too far. My tent isn't set up right because the side pegs are missing, leaving it open to the wind. I fell asleep thirsty.⁣

11th

I was woken up at five in the morning and promptly packed up my tent before dawn. I walked around Galashiels in the morning, but all the toilets were locked. I was desperate to go to the bathroom. Galashiels's streets were empty, so L went to a bakery and bought a warm coffee. Later, I conversed with a man who was seated and had a small dog. He had the phrase "Self Made" tattooed on his hands, which he had learned from his father. He described how, late at night, the streets here bothered him, and his flat was right above where he sat.

I used spring water that I had purchased to clean the broken eggs that had been cracked over a statue of a little girl's head. Decimation is prevalent in every location where I travel. I was given a complimentary cup of tea by the newsagent where I got the water, and they told me about a person who believed they were dead after finding no respondent, but who was actually a heroin abuse victim.

This morning, I'm not sure where to go. I want to go back to Europe, where I know it will be harder for to take away my life's worth. Found some peace and quiet at the Salmon Inn, and a beer to steady my jumbling thoughts that were caused by my worries.⁣