January 2023

29th

Today, I visited the view point in the daylight, there appear to be many other viewpoints in the hillsides that surround Hawick.

Heading towards Charlie's farmhouse, we saw some deer. Need a 300mm lens to photograph these.

Later on in the evening, emotional tides of BPD curdled and stirred.

28th

Driven through Selkirk with Charlie to visit the ancient woodland of Yair.

Many of the pictures appear grainy, I am pondering over whether I left on the macro setting. Returning to the car I crossed a road to take a couple of pictures of the beautiful river Tweed.

In the evening, after tea we visited a scenic viewpoint overlooking Hawick.

Night photography is not that great on my Oppo A53s, require a DSLR full frame camera.

27th

Briefly went shopping then returned to my flat, with knitting wool and a new candle. Last night was sleepless, as I was very anxious.

26th

Today I went to Galashiels to deposit some money so I can pay for this websites hosting this month.

Returning to Hawick, me and Charlie visited Scots view point, I took some pictures with my new Oppo phone.

23rd

Tired from yesterdays adventure I am seated in my warm flat updating this web site today.

22nd

Today I visited Lindisfarne, in remembrance of my Viking ancestors. The journey, east, through the Scottish Borders took about an hour and a half from Hawick, stopping at Sainsbury's in Kelso for refreshment. I arrived just as the tide was coming in, the car slushing through rising waters as other cars were turning back.

The isle is beautiful, the sun radiates vibrant oranges and yellows upon reflection of the sea. I do enjoy coming to this place.

I don't take as many selfies these days, as the people who I initially took them for, to let them know I was well, after abandoning me hapless, now despise me dead.

Lindisfarne castle appeared more impressive, nearer, than at a distance. My friend (Charlie) said people queued for a mile to gain entrance to this castle, now managed by the National Trust.

I adore the sunlight views of the sea here.

We took a walk over to the lyme kilns, Charlie said they'd been cooking dry lyme, and elaborated how he was amazed they did not blow themselves up. The lyme was written to have been transported by sea boat to the city of Dundee.

Walking down to the kiln enterance, a family signalled another to quickly stop what they were doing as "people were approaching". We walked through the dark and dusty kiln tunnels.

I decided to film closer to the shore, across the water to capture some of this amazing light on film to share here.

Passing north of the castle the walk returning us to the car did not seem to take very long.

In the harbour were fishing sheds made from boats that had been cut in half. Horse shoes were a sign of hospitality to wayfairers, until all were alienated by centuries of witch hunts.

We rested at the manor house hotel, Charlie ordered a coffee and chips whilst I had half a pint of blonde ale. The establishment was empty; prompt service, but music was terrible.

Road out was flooded with tide, we were not going to be leaving the isle for Banborough castle, as we had planned.

The next pub, from the outside appeared to be more local, we had two hours to wait for the tide to recede, so we entered and ordered a drink. The management, a pot-belly man from southern England, looked us up and down as though we were scum. On the walls hung vivid, garish artwork that made one squint for fear of the invasive impression burning itself onto the eyes from disdain of the mind.

It was a mere five minutes before a enabler strolled into the pub; addressed the barman as "comrade" and ordered a pint before settling himself on a table, placing before himself a thick paperback book. Abruptly he stated that "Rasputin was his friend", [Rasputin was a seductive sexual deviant, interloping with a monarch whilst disguised as a monk] mythed the management carried on with his job, but seemed to know him with some familiarity. Disgusted and humoured, I played a Boney M song Rasputin from a YouTube app on my phone.

Against the impression of being unwelcome, we left the pub early, and waited in the car for the tide to drain away from the road. The sun had set, we followed the car in front of us, nearing the end we overtook and got through to the other side by 6:45pm, the time officially stated to travel across safely. It took an hour and a half, passing through Coldstream and Kelso to return to Hawick. The timeless haul up my flat block stairs easily equalled the length of the journey to Lindisfarne.

20th

Need to shift some pounds, poor mental health and confort eating has made me slightly obese, to fill the empty void so took a walk down to my local park, test out my new smart phone camera. The phone, an Oppo 54s is supposed to have a fifty megapixel rear camera, but I don't feel I am getting that quality from these pictures, maybe it's just my depleting eyesight.

And a video.

The last day or so had warmed from a cold snap, with snow thawing I scanned the park for some worthy frames to shoot.

I view this voided world as a systematic detachment, divided by an altercation of continued depravity that I define as an extremity of filth, a pervasive nihilistic contempt that pushes invaluable consciousness, through collaborative ignorance, into marginalised thresholds of isolate oblivion.

19th

Yesterday Charlie gave me a lift to Galashiels, on the way he stopped for a piss, and I took a picture of a field covered in thick white snow.

Revisiting Galashiels was a dark and dystopic experience, I do not want to return to sterile coldness of this towns ostracising oppression.

After visiting a supermarket, I was anxious to leave the town. We drove back to Hawick, glad to leave my memories of Galashiels behind.

15th

Made Cullen Skink soup for the first time ever today, I got the chowder right first time, although there wasn't enough and was short of cream. Very unwell in the evening, after kicking friend (Charlie) out I sprawled out deflated upon the submerging living sofa, deadweight and unable to get up and do some typing upon this website until after 10pm.

Been talking to friend (Charlie) about lambing season, he seems to think I'll enjoy it, stating there is nothing more fulfilling in life than farm work, but I am not so sure. Whilst lambs are cute, am really not so sure about witnessing still borns, or observing mutant lambs being cremated; or appreciating a sleepless six weeks acting as a midwife to over seventy ewes.

14th

Today I journied by car over to the Cumbrian city of Carlisle, England to purchase some additional clothes during the winter sales. I also visited the Lancastershire seaside town of Morecambe briefly before returning to Hawick, Scotland.

Arrving back to the farmhouse, tormenting, cruel messages were pouring through my mind, straining my emotions; I am amiss as to what environmental factor triggered it other than somebody walking along the wind swept, rainy promenade along Morecambe sea front. Northbound, we stopped at m6 service station and enjoyed artisan food, a hot pie, chips and a coffee for about 10 pounds a head. Other than these experiences the evening was quiet, I retired to bed early but never slept a wink through challenging disturbia during the night.

13th

Despite my trimonthly B12 injection two weeks ago I am still very anaemic, this time I have not fully recovered, delayed two weeks late, and the longevity of the injection fell two weeks short. I am quite literately rotting away (red blood cells provide oxygen to body tissues) and falling to pieces (B12 being one of the essential vitamins that affect various systems in the body, including the central nervous system). Neglect that damaged my physical and mental health came from catatonia inflicted from being ritually subjected to incremental traumas.

I know if something bizarre doesn't take me first, I will die from this disturbing condition named pernicious anaemia; which will most likely send me insane before it kills me. Nights are the worst, I wake with a broken heartbeat, without a clue of who or where I am. My heart deregulates from the motion of my lungs, which in turn rolls over into a panic attack, duvet grabbing confusion. During severe bouts of illness both eating and drinking causes me to faint, just drinking a cup of coffee can initiate passing out, a depthless fall, sometimes lasting for hours. I have endured this condition for decades but have, for the last decade, been too traumatised to acknowledge it, until overwhelmed into necessity to get help.

Eating copious amounts of meat, beef, chicken, pork etc in vain attempt to reinvigorate stomach absorption of b12, has not helped in the slightest. In this instance, pernicious anaemia, has been inflicted by a coping mechanism, involving years of alcoholism coupled to a poor vegetarian / vegan diet. Despite being self absorbed, there is outlook, knowing my ancestors light the way to where I am required to be, without distance to see how to be is centred within me.

9th

Visited the doctor's surgery by the River Teviot in pursuit of bringing perscibed trimonthly B12 injections forward. But the masked doctor refused, stating she wanted to do a blood test at the time I became unwell; about 10 weeks of the 12 weeks the trimonthly injection is supposed to last.

The symptoms of B12 deficiency, which in this case is pernicious anaemia, can become permanent as b12 regulates the central nervous system. A fortnight withdrawal from the previous injection left me half dead, and the climb out of this pit of lethargy took significantly longer than before.