Auditory hallucinations

I am awake at 1am, having problems sleeping. I've lit an open log fire within the farmhouse study room, so I am warm, and not disturbing Charlie who is getting up for work in a mere few hours.

My mind is noisy; this happens when I have visited places, these auditory hallucinations are environmentally triggered, so I theorise they are related to corresponding traumas I've incurred during the last thirteen years, since the auditory hallucinations began. I also suffer from tinnitus, high pitch metallic hissing in my ears; which can be abysmal at times, significantly after eating sugary foods and drinks. The warmth of the fire is a luxury for me, after years of roaming through rain, wind and snow; too anxious to rest, yet too tired to walk. That numbness hasn't left me, the companionship I now have seems real, but at times becomes unreal; the long reach of self-worth is a hard grasp when emerging from being psychologically terrorised into a catatonic state of selflessness. I feel much hatred to those who have inflicted such a disparity upon me; because I know they'll never be any forgiveness from me unto them; because I was rendered inconsolable, for years, until I could not figure humanity as being real.

This barn was taken away from Charlie, and sold to a greedy developer, Charlie used this barn to shelter his sheep. Thank goodness the development stalled, because of bats, newts and other wildlife now inhabiting the barn. Urbanised people care not about encroachment, and suffer consequences such as the septic tank being inaccessible to the road. So now they want to take away our garden, not just land to create an access route. The farmhouse was the original building, all other buildings (log cabins etc) within the vicinity are newer and named after the farmhouse. They will need to make another planning application soon, and I am resolved to do everything I can to stop them coming here.

The weather is strange, this afternoon I risen to a view of somewhere between rain and snow. Last night there was no wind, the wooden farm gates were frozen, yet the temprature was only -2c; this morning snow clouds have filled the sky, yet not sleet but rain is falling onto the ground. The farmhouse was freezing, I cannot remember the coldness being so sharp, perhaps this is because of sickness, or from climatising to my central heated flat. The farm uses expensive heating oil, around £420-520 to fill the heating oil tank. We've almost run out of this oil by late December and the cold is here until April.

This is the farmhouse polytunnel that replaced the barn. We have reduced the flock from 70 to 40 ewes and withdrawn the outside space, the flock was too close to the farmhouse. They are noisy, after three or four hours after being fed chaff, and can see us through the farmhouse windows. The land surrounding the farmhouse was sold as plots to developments, other than that the land is leased to a local farming family, they have three other farms in the surrounding area. It's a shame Charlie cannot lease a field here for his flock, purchasing diesel to travel 20 miles to and from grass keep in Selkirk / Bowden, three times weekly, is costly.

This afternoon we visted William Lockie knitwear shop, after days of searching the internet I decided to purchase locally and found a wool fair isle cardigan in Hawick for £125. If we cannot afford heating oil, I'm going to purchase warm clothing. Next year I plan to spin yarn and knit my own shetland / fair isles cardigans and jumpers; I have ten teeswater fleeces, sheered last year to begin this with. We also visited Kelso, there are more shops in this town, I appreciated the Christmas tree in the square. I was glad to return to Hawick, this Scottish Borders town has slowly become valid enough to be my home.