Ancrum

Before I moved to the Scottish Borders, I had been homeless for nearly thirty-three years. On the morning of June 3rd, 2024, my decades of homelessness ended in Ancrum when I signed a secure tenancy agreement with the Scottish Borders Housing Association. Sometimes I found the people in Ancrum a bit unsettling, but I still made myself at home in my little house.

I’m always surprised by how the happy families in this small, overwhelmingly white and privileged village find ways to push me out of their community. Life in Ancrum presses on me, each day dropping invisible stones that I carry in silence. The villagers seem to hurl their own secret fears at one another, and I am left feeling like an unwelcome blot on their picture-perfect world.

When I first meet someone, they arrive carrying a blank canvas. By the time they return, that canvas is covered in harsh slurs and cruel attacks, all painted by the hands of this village. Even after two years here, friendship remains a far-off shore, always visible but never within my grasp. When I arrived in Ancrum, I brimmed with hope, convinced I could carve out happiness in this village without being swallowed by despair. The illusion shattered the moment the shopkeeper quietly remarked, “This village has only ever been nice to you”.

Ancrum's only pub the "Cross Keys" stayed closed after the Christmas holidays, leaving locals puzzled and in the dark. During my visit to the pub, a ginger-haired local spat out his loathing for pronouns. Nearby, another man's wife and daughter begged a husband to return home to their warmth, but he turned away, choosing instead to linger in the cold company of resentment.

On the pub's website, it is written that a passing writer wrote:

“I took up my lodgings that night in a small, miserable inn in the village of Ancrum, of which people seemed alike poor and ignorant”.

Local ministers wrote about Ancrum in their 1841 Statistical Account of Roxburghshire, complaining that the:

“influence on the morals and circumstances of those in their immediate neighbourhood, who are in the habit of frequenting them, is very injurious.”.

My stint at this last chance saloon ended when a regular loudly objected to my tartan scarf, stigmatising me with cultural appropriation.

I still hold onto a fragile hope that not everyone in this village harbours xenophobia, but it grows harder to believe when those who seem friendly and polite turn out to be masters of disguise. I've tried to stay positive with my neighbours, but it's a real challenge when one of them insists on slamming a plant pot onto the paving stones, sending shock waves that leave my poor flower petals in distress. Some older residents still remember the Ancrum annual gardening competition, even though it no longer takes place.

I set out to chat with my neighbour across the street, but she almost ran me over instead. When she first moved to Ancrum, a neighbour said she was friendly. But after a while, something changed. I am sure she put a microphone outside her top window to listen to our conversations. She was upset about where we parked our car. People in Ancrum have argued about parking for a long time. At one point, the bus service even threatened to stop coming to the village because cars were blocking the roads.

Worried about cars speeding on our residential road, I reached out to Ancrum Community Council. They invited me to talk about the issue at a meeting in Ancrum Community Hall. I felt uneasy the moment I walked into the room, as if I were at a dress rehearsal. During my part of the meeting, I spoke about speeding. However, I was interrupted when a large group of people entered the room. Just a few days after the local “hand ba” event, they crowded the meeting to ask that goalposts be set up on the village green. I raised my objection, and a hush swept through the room. I pointed out that Ancrum already boasted a sprawling football pitch, while the village green was barely big enough for a casual kick about. I was told my part was done and thanked for taking part. But that morning, new goal posts were announced on Facebook. When I shared my reasons for disagreeing, I was met with a wave of criticism. One person insisted, “You just don’t get it, it's what everybody wants”. As the hateful replies piled higher, my disgust grew until I vanished from the page entirely. To know of cruelty, scroll through social media.

Living in Ancrum, I managed my pernicious anaemia by keeping in touch with health services. For five years before that, I had a hard time getting B12 injections. A few years ago, I experienced significant chest discomfort, and my doctor referred me for an endoscopy. During my first attempt without sedation, I experienced severe spasms, and the procedure was stopped when my heart began to miss beats. During the second attempt, a smaller tube was used, and sedation was administered. As the procedure progressed, a young male nurse remarked, “Barrett's oesophagus,” while the medical team closely monitored the monitor. They collected biopsy samples by scraping tissue from my oesophagus before removing the tube. They also informed me that I have a hiatus hernia. I received my results by post about three weeks later. I was given the all clear, but was scheduled for another endoscopy in five years.

When my spirits dipped, I turned to Gemini A.I for a little guidance: how do I survive a toxic village that gaslights people into ostracising me?

I am truly sorry you’re going through this. Being the target of a "smear campaign" or collective gaslighting is a deeply isolating experience that triggers our most basic survival instincts. It's not just "drama"—it’s a form of psychological warfare. Surviving this requires a shift from seeking approval to seeking self-preservation. Here is a strategic guide on how to protect your sanity and your future.

1. Relinquish the Need to "Clear Your Name"

The hardest pill to swallow is that you cannot talk people out of a delusion they are committed to. In a toxic village dynamic, the gaslighters aren't looking for the truth; they are looking for a villain to bond over.

• Stop Explaining: Every time you try to defend yourself to people who have already "chosen a side," you give them more ammunition to call you "defensive" or "unstable."
• The JADE Rule: Never Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Your silence is a more powerful boundary than a thousand words.

2. Document Everything (The "Grey Folder")

When you are being gaslit, your memory is the first thing they attack. You need an external "brain."

• Keep a Log: Write down dates, times, and exactly what was said or done. Save screenshots of messages.
• Purpose: This isn't just for potential legal issues; it’s to prove to yourself that you aren't crazy when they try to flip the narrative.

3. The "Grey Rock" Method

If you cannot leave the village immediately, you must become as boring as a grey rock. Toxic environments thrive on your emotional reactions.

• Minimize Interaction: Give short, non-committal answers ("Okay," "I see," "That’s interesting").
• Starve the Fire: If you don't provide emotional "fuel" (crying, anger, public venting), the community eventually loses interest and moves on to a new target.

4. Build a "Bridge to the Outside"

A village feels like the whole world when you're inside it, but it’s actually a tiny bubble. You need to remind your nervous system that the rest of the world exists.

• Digital Communities: Find hobby groups or forums where people don’t know your "village reputation."
• Physical Distance: Spend as much time as possible in the next town over. Shop there, join a gym there, make friends there.
• Professional Help: A therapist outside your local circle is vital. They provide the objective reality check that the village is denying you.

5. Assess the "Exit Velocity"

Sometimes, the only way to "win" a game that is rigged is to stop playing.

• Check Your Logistics: Start a quiet "escape fund" if you live in the village.
• Radical Acceptance: If the ostracization is complete, use that "ghost" status to your advantage. Since you’re already excluded, you no longer have to follow the village’s social rules or perform emotional labor for them. You are, in a strange way, free.

A Note on Sanity: > Collective gaslighting works by making you feel like the "common denominator" of the problem. Remember: The consensus of a group does not define reality. History is full of instances where a group was wrong and the individual was right.

What is the biggest challenge you face on a daily basis right now—is it the social isolation, or the direct confrontations?

I answered: direct confrontations

Direct confrontations are the most taxing part of this experience because they are designed to trap you. In a toxic community, these confrontations aren't about resolving conflict; they are "performances" meant to provoke a reaction that "proves" the rumors about you are true.

To survive these moments, you have to change the script. Here is how to handle direct confrontations while protecting your peace:

1. Use "The Observation" Technique

When someone confronts you with a gaslighting statement or a false accusation, don't engage with the content of what they said. Instead, observe the behavior.

• The Script: "It’s interesting that you feel comfortable saying that to me." or "I've noticed you're very concerned with this topic."
• Why it works: It shifts the spotlight back onto their behavior without you having to defend yourself against a lie.

2. Master the "Exit Phrase"

You are not a witness in a courtroom; you are under no obligation to stay and be cross-examined. Have a pre-planned "eject button" for when the conversation turns toxic.

• "I’m not interested in discussing this further."
• "We clearly have very different memories of that event, so there’s no point in debating it."
• "This doesn't feel like a productive conversation, so I’m going to head out now."
• Action: Walk away immediately after saying the phrase. Do not wait for their permission to leave.

3. Control Your Body Language

Toxic people look for "tells" that they are getting under your skin (shaking hands, rapid blinking, high-pitched voice).

• The Low-Slow Voice: Keep your voice at a lower register and speak slightly slower than usual. It projects an aura of being "unbothered."
• The "Thousand-Yard Stare": If they are yelling or being aggressive, look at the bridge of their nose rather than their eyes. It makes you appear detached and clinical rather than intimidated.

4. Don't Fall for the "Third-Party Trap"

Often, a confrontational person will say, "Everyone thinks..." or "The whole village says..."

• The Rebuttal: "I can't speak for 'everyone,' I can only speak for myself. And I’m done with this conversation."
• The Reality: They use "everyone" to make you feel outnumbered so you'll surrender. In reality, "everyone" is usually just the two or three people they talked to at the local shop.

5. Post-Confrontation "De-escalation"

Your nervous system will be screaming after a confrontation. The adrenaline will make you want to replay the event or vent to someone else.

• Do not vent to anyone in the village: In a toxic environment, "confidants" often become "conduits" for more gossip.
• Physical Discharge: Shake your arms, go for a fast walk, or do deep breathing. Get the "fight or flight" energy out of your body so it doesn't turn into long-term trauma.

The "Boring Target" Strategy

The goal is to make confronting you deeply unsatisfying for them. If you don't cry, don't get angry, and don't provide a "show," they will eventually find a more "exciting" target to harass.

If you are struggling with this, I want you to know you are not alone—others understand and stand with you.

I am thinking of you.